The Amanda Situation.
(An empty café except for DAN, who is seated, and DAVID, who is standing up, pacing, looking out the window. DAN watches DAVID nervously.)
DAVID
Look, Dan. I’ll be honest. This is just the way it goes with me. You may not be used to it, but I am.
DAN
You mean, this is a recurring theme in your life?
DAVID
(An empty café except for DAN, who is seated, and DAVID, who is standing up, pacing, looking out the window. DAN watches DAVID nervously.)
DAVID
Look, Dan. I’ll be honest. This is just the way it goes with me. You may not be used to it, but I am.
DAN
You mean, this is a recurring theme in your life?
DAVID
Exactly. I, David, am not very good at keeping friends for a long time. Guy friends, especially. The reason…oh, well, the reason changes slightly with every lost friend. Do I see the common link here? Yes. Should I take responsibility for being the one who is usually to blame for the demise of the friendship? Probably. I suppose I should take the fall. Why not?
DAN
I’m not asking you to take the fall.
DAVID
Right, but why not? Someone should. I’ve got nothing to lose here.
DAN
Take the fall according to whom? Our mutual friends, you mean?
DAVID
DAN
I’m not asking you to take the fall.
DAVID
Right, but why not? Someone should. I’ve got nothing to lose here.
DAN
Take the fall according to whom? Our mutual friends, you mean?
DAVID
Precisely, yes. Our mutual friends. We run in a pretty small social circle here. What do they say I did? I mean, you’re the one who talks to them, not me. I’ve been off with my new girl. Doing nothing but working, lying in bed, getting high, making love to my new girl… You’ve been the one talking to everyone. What do they say? Or better yet, what do you tell them? Because that’s probably what they say, whatever you tell them. It is clearly my fault here, because yours is the only perspective they have. So, fine, I say. So be it. I will be the scapegoat.
DAN
I think you’re overreacting. I don’t think anyone’s looking for a scapegoat.
DAVID
That’s easy for you to say, they’re all on your side.
DAN
Nobody’s on anybody’s side, David. I would never ask anyone to choose sides. I mean, yes, there are certain people I talk to…
DAVID
Right, those people, those people that you talk to. They know why I am the bad guy here, they could tell you why. But they probably have no perspective on why you are also, in fact, the bad guy.
DAN
Tell me. I mean, honestly, I’m not so sure why I am the bad guy. In this situation. I don’t know if I’m clear on that. Because you and I, we’ve never talked about it. So tell me, why am I the bad guy in this situation?
DAVID
That would be easy, wouldn’t it? If it were that simple. We air grievances, trade insults, accusations? Because if that’s it, if that’s what you want to do, hammer it out, then I’m sorry but I have no interest in that. That is boring to me. It’s useless. I lose friends. And I’m sorry that you were involved in the most recent example of that recurring theme, but you were. So now you have to deal with it, just like I have to deal with it eternally.
DAN
Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic here, David?
DAVID
Aye. Perhaps I am. But it is my way, after all.
DAN
Then why did you come here?
DAVID
They have wonderful espresso drinks.
DAN
If you didn’t want to talk about the fact that we are not currently friends, then why are you here?
DAVID
DAN
I think you’re overreacting. I don’t think anyone’s looking for a scapegoat.
DAVID
That’s easy for you to say, they’re all on your side.
DAN
Nobody’s on anybody’s side, David. I would never ask anyone to choose sides. I mean, yes, there are certain people I talk to…
DAVID
Right, those people, those people that you talk to. They know why I am the bad guy here, they could tell you why. But they probably have no perspective on why you are also, in fact, the bad guy.
DAN
Tell me. I mean, honestly, I’m not so sure why I am the bad guy. In this situation. I don’t know if I’m clear on that. Because you and I, we’ve never talked about it. So tell me, why am I the bad guy in this situation?
DAVID
That would be easy, wouldn’t it? If it were that simple. We air grievances, trade insults, accusations? Because if that’s it, if that’s what you want to do, hammer it out, then I’m sorry but I have no interest in that. That is boring to me. It’s useless. I lose friends. And I’m sorry that you were involved in the most recent example of that recurring theme, but you were. So now you have to deal with it, just like I have to deal with it eternally.
DAN
Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic here, David?
DAVID
Aye. Perhaps I am. But it is my way, after all.
DAN
Then why did you come here?
DAVID
They have wonderful espresso drinks.
DAN
If you didn’t want to talk about the fact that we are not currently friends, then why are you here?
DAVID
I thought maybe we could divide things up.
DAN
What—like a divorce?
DAVID
Yeah, you know, who gets what.
DAN
David, we don’t have anything.
DAVID
Jimmy.
DAN
Are we gonna divide up Jimmy?
DAVID
DAN
What—like a divorce?
DAVID
Yeah, you know, who gets what.
DAN
David, we don’t have anything.
DAVID
Jimmy.
DAN
Are we gonna divide up Jimmy?
DAVID
I think we should. I don’t wanna lose Jimmy.
DAN
David, Jimmy is your friend. You’re not gonna lose Jimmy.
DAVID
Oh, eventually I will, I lose all my friends, actually, as I was explaining. But right now, Jimmy and I are still friends, I would rather not lose him completely.
DAN
Jimmy is going through a huge breakup with his girlfriend of like five years. Jimmy is drinking twenty hours a day and sleeping four. I don’t think he’s looking for a scapegoat as it pertains to the estranged friendship of you and me. Jimmy is in a bad way, trust me.
DAVID
That’s why I need to be allotted some time with him. He needs me. I can go to a bar with Jimmy and listen to him go on and on about that whore he dated for so long. I earn that, as a friend. I earn the right to listen and to agree and to say, “Yeah, fuck that bitch. She was a dumb slut and you never should have dated her for so long.” You shouldn’t get all of that, I want some of it. Let’s figure out our work schedules, see if we can figure something out.
DAN
David, no. I’m not gonna do that, that’s ridiculous. We’re not parents going through a divorce, we are friends.
DAVID
DAN
David, Jimmy is your friend. You’re not gonna lose Jimmy.
DAVID
Oh, eventually I will, I lose all my friends, actually, as I was explaining. But right now, Jimmy and I are still friends, I would rather not lose him completely.
DAN
Jimmy is going through a huge breakup with his girlfriend of like five years. Jimmy is drinking twenty hours a day and sleeping four. I don’t think he’s looking for a scapegoat as it pertains to the estranged friendship of you and me. Jimmy is in a bad way, trust me.
DAVID
That’s why I need to be allotted some time with him. He needs me. I can go to a bar with Jimmy and listen to him go on and on about that whore he dated for so long. I earn that, as a friend. I earn the right to listen and to agree and to say, “Yeah, fuck that bitch. She was a dumb slut and you never should have dated her for so long.” You shouldn’t get all of that, I want some of it. Let’s figure out our work schedules, see if we can figure something out.
DAN
David, no. I’m not gonna do that, that’s ridiculous. We’re not parents going through a divorce, we are friends.
DAVID
We used to be friends.
DAN
Come on. Really? That’s it.
DAVID
I didn’t come here to patch things up, Dan.
DAN
And that’s it. You don’t want to talk about what happened?
DAN
Come on. Really? That’s it.
DAVID
I didn’t come here to patch things up, Dan.
DAN
And that’s it. You don’t want to talk about what happened?
DAVID
Well, what’s the point? If it’s all just gonna end up being my fault anyway.
DAN
But what if it is your fault?
DAVID
Are you saying it’s my fault?
DAN
No. I’m saying, what if, in one of these situations, where you lose your best friend, what if it is your fault and you know it’s your fault? Do you apologize and be a man about it? Or do you just let it go and figure, “Well, that’s the way it happens. That’s just my fate. It’s a recurring theme.”
DAVID
You’re at least, at the very least, insinuating that it’s my fault. And why is that, Dan? Because it actually is my fault? Or because you need to justify all the shit you’ve been talking behind my back to our mutual friends? So you can cleanse your soul of the muck and the dirt that you feel creeping up inside you after you have taken the friendship that we had and tarnished it by making me the fucking scapegoat here?
DAN
I couldn’t really talk to you about it, could I?
DAVID
DAN
No. I’m saying, what if, in one of these situations, where you lose your best friend, what if it is your fault and you know it’s your fault? Do you apologize and be a man about it? Or do you just let it go and figure, “Well, that’s the way it happens. That’s just my fate. It’s a recurring theme.”
DAVID
You’re at least, at the very least, insinuating that it’s my fault. And why is that, Dan? Because it actually is my fault? Or because you need to justify all the shit you’ve been talking behind my back to our mutual friends? So you can cleanse your soul of the muck and the dirt that you feel creeping up inside you after you have taken the friendship that we had and tarnished it by making me the fucking scapegoat here?
DAN
I couldn’t really talk to you about it, could I?
DAVID
Maybe you could have. That’s what girls do, isn’t it? Talk to each other, deal with their problems? Isn’t that the way girls do it?
DAN
I don’t know. I’m not a girl. Are you saying that this is my fault?
DAVID
DAN
I don’t know. I’m not a girl. Are you saying that this is my fault?
DAVID
Don’t turn this around. You don’t get to be the scapegoat here. You don’t get to play both roles. You don’t get to run to all of our friends, tell them what a dick I’ve been, give them one perspective on the whole situation, and then meet me at some empty café and claim the role of the scapegoat. I’m the scapegoat, I’m the bad guy. You don’t get everything. And you don’t get Jimmy. We share Jimmy.
DAN
You are one paranoid mother fucker.
DAVID
DAN
You are one paranoid mother fucker.
DAVID
Maybe. But that’s just because it’s happened before. The good guy is always the most manipulative, Dan. It’s the truth. All the good guys, He-Man, G.I. Joe, Superman, your mommy and daddy, America, God, whoever, they are always manipulative. Putting themselves in a situation where they are the good guy no matter what happens.
DAN
All right, so, yes, I’ll take some blame for what happened. I’m not the good guy here.
DAVID
DAN
All right, so, yes, I’ll take some blame for what happened. I’m not the good guy here.
DAVID
Oh man. You really know how play this angle, don’t you? That is such a fucking noble quality, Dan. That’s great. You are a great guy. I don’t see how you ever spent so much time with me, when I don’t even care, I don’t even want to work things out. Poor good guy. Everyone will definitely be on your side now.
DAN
I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not doing this for anyone but me and you. You and I are not friends right now, we’re not hanging out, and I miss hanging out with you. I wanna work things out.
DAVID
Okay, fine. But you have to stop being so proud of that.
DAN
Of what?
DAVID
Of wanting to work things out. To talk about it. Like a girl. You might win points with girls when you tell them that you were the one who wanted to meet up for coffee and talk about it and work it out, but it doesn’t win any points with me. I don’t think you’re any better for being the one to call and schedule this little meeting. Because I’m here too.
DAN
You said you didn’t come here to work anything out.
DAVID
DAN
I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not doing this for anyone but me and you. You and I are not friends right now, we’re not hanging out, and I miss hanging out with you. I wanna work things out.
DAVID
Okay, fine. But you have to stop being so proud of that.
DAN
Of what?
DAVID
Of wanting to work things out. To talk about it. Like a girl. You might win points with girls when you tell them that you were the one who wanted to meet up for coffee and talk about it and work it out, but it doesn’t win any points with me. I don’t think you’re any better for being the one to call and schedule this little meeting. Because I’m here too.
DAN
You said you didn’t come here to work anything out.
DAVID
I came so that I could get a weekend or two with Jimmy. But since we’re here we can talk about it. But stop wearing your fucking good guy badge because no one cares. If it’s that important to you, go run and tell some chick when we’re finished. Then go to church and feed the homeless. I don’t give a shit. What is this about?
DAN
It’s about me and you.
DAVID
Right, we are not currently friends. Why?
DAN
Well, I guess basically it started with Amanda.
DAVID
Amanda.
DAN
Yes. I think we can safely trace this whole thing back to the Amanda situation.
DAVID
The Amanda situation. My new girlfriend is now a situation.
DAN
I’m just saying that before she became your girlfriend, she was a situation. A situation that involved me.
DAVID
Okay, so, you’re accusing me of…
DAN
Well, what do you think? From your perspective, what happened with the Amanda “_______”?
DAVID
You mean, do I think I did anything wrong? Do I think I am guilty of foul play in the Amanda “_______”?
DAN
I just want to know how you look at it. I only know how I look at it.
DAVID
Which is that I, in fact, am guilty of stealing Amanda away from you. Am I right?
DAN
I’m not saying that.
DAVID
But you’re insinuating that.
DAN
Look, I’m just saying that maybe you pursued a girl that I had feelings for. That’s all. I’m asking for your perspective. What happened between you and Amanda? After I went out with her. After you knew how I felt about her. What happened?
DAVID
The same thing that happened between me and you, Dan. Except the opposite.
DAN
What?
DAVID
DAN
It’s about me and you.
DAVID
Right, we are not currently friends. Why?
DAN
Well, I guess basically it started with Amanda.
DAVID
Amanda.
DAN
Yes. I think we can safely trace this whole thing back to the Amanda situation.
DAVID
The Amanda situation. My new girlfriend is now a situation.
DAN
I’m just saying that before she became your girlfriend, she was a situation. A situation that involved me.
DAVID
Okay, so, you’re accusing me of…
DAN
Well, what do you think? From your perspective, what happened with the Amanda “_______”?
DAVID
You mean, do I think I did anything wrong? Do I think I am guilty of foul play in the Amanda “_______”?
DAN
I just want to know how you look at it. I only know how I look at it.
DAVID
Which is that I, in fact, am guilty of stealing Amanda away from you. Am I right?
DAN
I’m not saying that.
DAVID
But you’re insinuating that.
DAN
Look, I’m just saying that maybe you pursued a girl that I had feelings for. That’s all. I’m asking for your perspective. What happened between you and Amanda? After I went out with her. After you knew how I felt about her. What happened?
DAVID
The same thing that happened between me and you, Dan. Except the opposite.
DAN
What?
DAVID
Fate. We came together, Amanda and me. And you and I separated. There are no bad guys and good guys. That’s all a myth created in childhood by school or church or something. Amanda and I just happened. I knew that I would have to sacrifice some things in order to make it work.
DAN
So you sacrificed me?
DAVID
DAN
So you sacrificed me?
DAVID
No, I didn’t sacrifice you, Dan. I gave you opportunity. I gave you the opportunity to be the morally upright, noble martyr that you were dying to be. But the thing is, Dan, I’m not a girl, I don’t think like a girl, so I’m not gonna feel sorry for you and I’m not gonna be impressed by your good guy bullshit. You’ve been manipulating this whole situation, you’ve been destroying things for me, going around making me the bad guy, to the point where I can’t even tell Jimmy that he did the right thing by dumping that slut.
DAN
I didn’t… That’s not what I ever meant to do, David. It’s just that Amanda was, you know, kinda my thing, and…
DAVID
And you think that somehow I made her become my thing instead. Well, unfortunately for you and all the other victims out there, the boyfriends, the husbands, women don’t get stolen. Women are much smarter than men. To think that we have the control is a fantasy. Men are too stupid to choose to do anything like that. Men just go with the flow. Like I’ve been doing with you. While you’ve been going around making everyone we know hate me, I’ve been taking it like a man. And by that I mean stupidly. But at least I’m not the one being manipulative. DAN
I didn’t… That’s not what I ever meant to do, David. It’s just that Amanda was, you know, kinda my thing, and…
DAVID
DAN
Look, David, I’m sorry. I never tried to get anyone to hate you. And the Amanda thing, I just didn’t have your perspective on it, so obviously I was feeling a little, well, like you did something to me.
DAVID
I didn’t.
DAN
I know.
DAVID
It’s just what happened.
DAN
I know that now. Okay?
DAVID
All right. Well. So what are you saying?
DAN
I’m saying, David, that I’m sorry for all this. I never meant for anything to get to this point. I just wanted us to hang out again.
DAVID
I know, Dan. So did I. Hey, you know what—I still do. I mean, this is stupid. This is for chicks, right?
DAN
Yeah. This is chick stuff.
DAVID
I mean, come on. Are we good here?
DAN
We’re good.
DAVID
Come on. We gotta hug now. Hey, I don’t like it anymore than you do.
(THEY hug.)
DAN
I’m sorry, David.
DAVID
I know, hey, it’s cool. Let’s just fucking forget about it.
DAN
Yeah, okay, good. I’m sorry though. You want another cup of coffee or anything?
DAVID
Nah, I gotta get going, Amanda and I are going to see a movie.
DAN
Oh, okay.
DAVID
But listen, let’s hang out tomorrow. Fuck it, I can move some things around. For you.
DAN
Yeah.
DAVID
Tomorrow night we’ll go drinking. We’ll get Jimmy, we can sit on opposite sides of him and talk about that whore that he used to go out with.
DAN
Yeah, all right, sounds like fun.
DAVID
I’ll catch you later brother.
(DAVID takes out his cell phone and starts to make a call. DAN sits. Blackout.)
