© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell
Restaurant Drama
(ANNIE, dressed in a waitress uniform, walks quickly across the stage. SETH, in a waiter outfit, perhaps that of a pirate, walks timidly onstage and stands in the middle. ANNIE walks back through, this time with a drink in her hand, quickly to the other side.)
SETH
Hi, how are you?
(ANNIE holds her hand up and continues walking. JACK and MEGAN walk through, MEGAN is dressed in nice civilian clothes, JACK has on a waiter uniform, perhaps that of a pirate.)
JACK
All right, just give it to me straight, what are we looking at here?
(MEGAN has a couple folders and notepads in her hand.)
MEGAN
It’s not good, Jack. I have to be honest.
(JACK stops her in the middle of the stage.)
JACK
Dammit, Megan, it’s not always gonna be sunshine and roses. Not in this business. Listen to me. This is the life we chose.
MEGAN
Yes, Jack, I know as well as you do. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’ve got a ten-top at noon, a reservation for five at 12:30 and a party in the private room at 1:00.
(JACK turns away.)
JACK
Fuck me. Okay. Calm down, Jack. This is why you trained for so long. This is where your experience comes in to play. All right…the party in the private room, is it possible to do a prix fixe?
MEGAN
I believe in you, Jack. If you say it’s possible then it’s possible.
(JACK turns to SETH.)
JACK
Who are you? What are you all about?
SETH
I’m Seth. I’m here for my first day of training.
(JACK gets intimidatingly close to SETH.)
JACK
All right, kid. Listen to me and listen good. You better know what you’re doing. Cause out there on the floor, it’s not a game. This is no lunch counter. We’re serving food and drinks to people, all right? That’s what we do here.
SETH
Right, right. I mean, I’ve waited tables before, I know how to, but you know, first day at a new place, there’s a new computer…
JACK
Don’t you worry about the computer just yet, bucko. You’re getting a little ahead of yourself, okay, chief? You heard the kind of shit we have to deal with today. I’m afraid I can’t hold your hand through the fire. You’re just gonna have to burn.
SETH
Okay, I can burn. But the, uh, manager, Bill, he told me to come in today because it’s a Monday lunch and it wouldn’t be that busy…
JACK
Ha ha ha. Bill. What does Bill know? Is Bill here on the frontlines? No…Bill’s upstairs in a cozy office. He wouldn’t know what to do if some lady looked up at him and said, “I think my burger’s a little undercooked.” Ha. Probably shit his pants. All right, we’re gonna train you, Seth. But I don’t promise anything. Megan.
MEGAN
Sir.
JACK
Take this outta my hands. I need my hands free for Diet Pepsis and condiments. Are the runners here?
MEGAN
Check.
JACK
Bussers.
MEGAN
Raul’s here but not Mohammed.
JACK
Mohammed, you bastard. Let’s just hope, for his sake, that he gets here and starts clearing plates from tables when people are finished eating their salads or burgers.
MEGAN
I’m sure he’ll be here, Jack. Why don’t we just have pre-service meeting?
JACK
Seth, what do you know about coffee?
SETH
Oh, um, well, I’ve made it…a lot, but every restaurant has a different coffee maker, so…
JACK
You’re damn right. Seth, I don’t know how quick you are to pick up on things, but I’m head waiter around here. Am I the boss? Not exactly. But someone’s gotta take charge. What are you gonna do if someone orders a grilled cheese? Huh?
SETH
Well, I guess, maybe I’d ask what kind of bread they’d like it on.
JACK
You’re good. All right, fine. I’ll take you under my wing. I’ll teach you everything I know about serving people food and drinks. You stick with me, kid. And one day you’ll be a waiter.
SETH
I’m…already a waiter.
JACK
Oh really? You think so?
(ANNIE enters, tears off her apron and throws it on the ground.)
ANNIE
This is no kind of life!
MEGAN
Annie, what’s wrong?
ANNIE
You wouldn’t understand, Megan. You’re just a hostess. What do you do? You seat people.
MEGAN
(Hurt.)
I also take delivery orders.
JACK
Listen…Shhh. What’s that?
SETH
It sounds like a phone ringing.
ANNIE
Shithole! Not now! Who’s gonna answer it?
MEGAN
I’ll get it. It’s my job, you bitch.
(MEGAN exits.)
JACK
Dammit, Annie. There was no reason to take it out on Megan. One day she might just be a waitress and you might be out there on the floor with her. And what if you need someone to look over your section while you pee-pee or poo-poo? Seth, never burn a bridge in this business. Remember that.
SETH
Okay, sure.
JACK
All right, now, Annie. What happened out there?
ANNIE
This guy wants an Iced Tea…
JACK
Seems simple enough…
ANNIE
That’s not all. He wants a lime instead of a lemon.
SETH
Gross.
JACK
That’s not our call to make, Seth. You’re ambitious, I like that. But for now, button it up.
SETH
All right.
JACK
Dammit! A lime, okay, a lime, okay…
ANNIE
Normally, I would just fill the glass with Iced Tea and then instead of putting a lemon on the rim of the glass I’d put a lime…
JACK
Yes! Why aren’t we doing that? That’s brilliant.
ANNIE
Only one problem.
JACK
What’s that?
ANNIE
We don’t have any limes. At least none cut up yet.
JACK
Just another one of your cruel jokes, isn’t it, God? Well it’s a good thing you built me tough. All right, Seth, don’t panic.
SETH
I’m cool, actually.
JACK
I know it’s your first day and everything. If you want to pack it up and go home, I’ll understand.
SETH
Nah…I think I’ll stick it out.
JACK
I knew there was a reason Bill hired you. Okay! Who usually cuts the limes?
ANNIE
Mohammed, I think.
JACK
Well, let’s just ask Mohammed…wait.
SETH
Mohammed’s not here yet.
ANNIE
How do you know that? How does he know that?
SETH
I couldn’t help but overhear. Mohammed’s running a little late.
JACK
Everybody just calm down! We’re gonna get through this. Annie, I’m in love with you.
ANNIE
What?
JACK
I love you. I mean, I’m in love with you.
ANNIE
Jack, what are you saying?
JACK
It’s true. I’ve been in love with you ever since that first time we got drunk after work and made out in the employee bathroom.
ANNIE
Really?
JACK
And then that other time when I randomly saw you at that bar and you took your shirt off and danced on top of the table and then I took you home and we tried to have sex but you were too drunk and I couldn’t get that condom on in time to stay hard…I’ve loved you, Annie…ever since your first day of training.
ANNIE
I didn’t even think you remembered that.
JACK
Your first day of training?
ANNIE
Yeah.
JACK
It was only a month ago.
ANNIE
I know but you’re always so wrapped up in this, your passion, waiting tables…
JACK
I know I can get crazy sometimes, but through it all, Annie, I’d like to make out with you again sometime. I mean that. Preferably while we’re both wasted.
ANNIE
Jack, Jack! The limes! The guy at table ten is waiting!
JACK
Shit, you’re right. I told myself I’d never let my personal life get in the way of my professional life and now look at me.
SETH
Can’t someone else just cut up a lime?
JACK
With what knife?
SETH
I’m sure there’s a knife we could use somewhere.
JACK
And who’s gonna cut this so-called lime? You, Seth?
SETH
Well, I don’t…
JACK
Lord knows I’m not throwing myself into that pit of fire. And Annie here’s not gonna do it, I won’t let her.
ANNIE
I love you too, Jack.
JACK
Save it for after work. I’m sorry, honey, but I was put on this earth for a reason. I’m married to my job. You knew that from the beginning. Ever since you accidentally rubbed against me at the coffee station and I got a boner, you’ve known what I’m all about.
(MEGAN enters.)
MEGAN
Bad news. Mohammed’s not gonna be here for another five minutes or so. He just got off the train.
JACK
Just wait till that cocky son of a bitch busboy gets here.
ANNIE
What are you gonna do, honey?
JACK
I’m gonna go have a cigarette. You guys watch my section?
ANNIE
What about the limes, Jack! I need you now.
SETH
I can…uh, cut up some limes if you want.
JACK
(Laughing.)
Oh…yeah…can you?
SETH
Yeah. I can.
ANNIE
What makes you think that, new guy?
SETH
At my old restaurant, I used to have to cut limes. So it’s fresh in my mind, you know. I guess you guys don’t have to cut limes here, huh?
JACK
The busboys usually cut the limes. And the lemons.
SETH
Yeah, well, listen, I know this is my first day and all, but maybe if you get me a knife and a lime, maybe a cutting board…you know…
JACK
You heard the man, girls. Get him what he needs, stat.
(The girls run off and come back with a knife, a cutting board, and a lime.)
You better know what you’re doing, Seth. This isn’t college, you know?
SETH
I studied acting in college.
JACK
We all did, that’s my point.
(MEGAN and ANNIE return with the equipment.)
MEGAN
Here you go, new guy. I swear to God if you do this right, I’ll get drunk and make out with you after I get cut.
SETH
Sounds great, yeah. I just need a little room to operate.
JACK
The man needs room.
(THEY all hover around SETH as HE cuts the lime, not necessarily giving him room. SETH produces a small lime wedge.)
SETH
Here. This ought to do the trick.
(MEGAN hugs SETH.)
MEGAN
That was so hot.
ANNIE
Thanks, new guy. I think you’re gonna work out just fine.
(SHE runs off with the lime wedge. MEGAN kisses him passionately.)
MEGAN
I love you, Seth.
SETH
Oh thanks.
MEGAN
I gotta go seat people and take their coats.
SETH
Okay.
JACK
Well, I’m not gonna join the Seth Love Fest here. You can cut a lime, that’s good. But the real test is when you have a section of tables full of people who want to eat food and drink drinks and you have to take their orders, put them in the computer, bring them ketchup if necessary, and then give them their check.
SETH
I’ll give it a shot.
JACK
You got something in your eye, kid.
SETH
What is it?
JACK
A sparkle. Here.
(JACK gives him an apron.)
SETH
An apron?
JACK
It’s yours.
SETH
You just had this?
JACK
I always have a spare.
(JACK reaches out his hand. SETH timidly and awkwardly takes it but doesn't know what to do next. JACK tries to kiss SETH'S hand, but SETH recoils and denies him. THEY have a very awkward moment that lasts throughout a slow fade out.)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The Andrew Situation
© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell
The Andrew Situation.
(DANA and DALLAS are in a coffee shop.)
DANA
We should talk about it. You know? We’re girls, right?
DALLAS
Yeah, sure. We’re girls.
DANA
That’s what girls do, isn’t it? Talk about everything? I mean, we’re not guys. We don’t just let things simmer so that we don’t know what we’re thinking. Right?
DALLAS
Absolutely.
DANA
So we should talk this out. Because we’re “friends.”
DALLAS
Why the quotes?
DANA
I didn’t do any quotes. You mean this…?
(SHE indicates quotation marks with her fingers.)
I didn’t do that.
DALLAS
You did, vocally. You said, “friends,” as if it weren’t true. Implying that we weren’t actually friends, but rather “friends.”
DANA
Well, okay, maybe there were some implied vocal quotes. But it’s nothing personal, Dallas.
DALLAS
How can it not be personal? We’re talking about the friendship of you and me.
DANA
Right. But the implied vocal quotes were not directed at you particularly. I just put the verbal quotes there because we’re girls.
DALLAS
And what—girls can’t be friends with each other? They have to be “friends?”
DANA
In a way, yeah. Girls aren’t really friends with each other. I’ve never actually been friends with a girl. Not real friends anyway.
DALLAS
You’re telling me that we weren’t friends? Me and you? Before all this happened, I mean?
DANA
We hung out. We went to bars together, but we always kept each other an arm’s length away. We were never gonna be friends—friends. Even from the beginning. I mean, your name is Dallas, for God’s sake.
DALLAS
What does that—you were never gonna be friends with me because my name is Dallas?
DANA
Exactly. I mean, it sounds like a stripper’s name.
DALLAS
Dana, that’s my name. I can’t help that.
DANA
I know, and that’s my point. Isn’t that fucked up? You can’t help that. But when we first met, I judged you instantly because your name is Dallas. Like a stripper, I thought. And so we were never gonna be really close friends. That’s the way girls think. So you see my point?
DALLAS
I guess. You’re not friends with girls because of silly little things like their names.
DANA
Girls aren’t friends with girls. That’s my point. If you see two girls hanging out all the time, they’re just pretending to be close friends until one of them gets a boyfriend.
DALLAS
Dana, that is the most misogynistic thing I’ve ever heard another woman say.
DANA
It’s the truth.
DALLAS
I think you’re just saying that to escape blame for what you did.
DANA
I admit what I did was wrong. That’s not in question here. But to what extent was it wrong? Did I actually do something directly to you, or was I just doing what is natural for me to do?
DALLAS
You slept with my boyfriend.
DANA
All right. So now we’re opening up that part of the discussion.
DALLAS
You do want to talk about this, right?
DANA
Of course. That’s why we’re here, right? I’m certainly not here for the espresso drinks. We’re girls. Girls talk it out.
DALLAS
Okay, then I think that’s a good place to start.
DANA
What is?
DALLAS
The whole…Andrew situation.
DANA
Absolutely. I want to talk about the Andrew situation. And I’m glad you used that term, because it is, in fact, a situation. What happened, situationally, I think, is essentially, a question of timing. Am I right?
DALLAS
Timing was a part of it, yeah. But it’s not only a case of when you did what you did but what you actually did. You slept with Andrew.
DANA
And so the question becomes how does my sleeping with Andrew affect the “friendship” of you and me? What level friends were we before as opposed to what level we are now.
DALLAS
We were friends. That’s the point.
DANA
Okay. I can go with that. We were girl-friends, sure. And I slept with your boy-friend. And so I take the blame for that. But am I to take the blame for the entire Andrew situation? Or am I just a small part of it?
DALLAS
I mean, of course, Andrew’s to blame as well.
DANA
More, even. Andrew’s to blame more. He was the one going out with you. I was single. He’s a total dickhead. But even more than that, honestly, he wasn’t a very good boyfriend. And I always thought that. He didn’t respect you or your relationship. And that’s even more the point. Because when Andrew and I…came together, you two were, if I’m not mistaken, about to break up.
DALLAS
So you think that makes it okay?
DANA
I think it makes it okay-er. Is what I’m saying. Okay-er. What Andrew and I did is separate from anything to do with you and Andrew or, in fact, you and me, and our girl-“friend” ship.
DALLAS
Yes, Andrew and I were having our problems. We were trying, though, to work them out. But that all went to shit when you two had sex. So of course, then, we broke up.
DANA
So, then, maybe it wasn’t so bad. If it took a situation like me and Andrew to bring things to a necessary close, maybe it happened for a good reason. To bring his douchebagness out in the open.
DALLAS
Dana, that’s no justification for sleeping with someone’s boyfriend.
DANA
I’m sorry, Dallas. I’m sorry I slept with your “boyfriend.” Does that help?
DALLAS
Well, now you just put the verbal quotes around “boyfriend.”
DANA
You are just paranoid about this whole quote thing, Dallas.
DALLAS
Because you’re qualifying everything you’re saying and not taking full responsibility for what you did.
DANA
I don’t know how else to say it. You want me to keep apologizing? I will. I’m sorry I slept with Andrew. And we can talk about that whole thing for as long as you want. Or, a better option might be, we can discuss what’s happening now, in the present time. Because we can’t go back in time. I can’t unfuck Andrew. But we can deal with today.
DALLAS
You mean whether or not you and I can still be friends.
DANA
And I think it’s only fair that you make that decision.
DALLAS
Right now? You want me to decide if you and I are going to be friends? After the Andrew situation?
DANA
I think it’s your right.
DALLAS
But Dana, we haven’t really discussed anything yet. We’ve just talked around it.
DANA
You’re absolutely right. And I want to discuss everything. Because that’s what girls do. So let’s take a step back and see what we’ve got so far. I slept with Andrew and I’m sorry that happened. Andrew is a total asshole who cheated on you at the very end of an already bad relationship. Now he has to deal with his own guilt on top of the fact that he’s a douchebag. And you and I have to figure out whether or not we’re gonna keep being…
(Carefully.)
…friends, with or without the verbal quotation marks.
DALLAS
Honestly, Dana, I think we can at least be civil to each other, and that’s a good start. We’re grown women, we have a lot of the same friends, so at the very least, if we happen to be at the same birthday party or something, it should be fine.
DANA
Yes, I agree. And that’s very big of you to be able to handle being out in public with me and Andrew.
DALLAS
If, Andrew happens to be there as well, you mean…
DANA
Which he very well might be. Because…
DALLAS
Because…
DANA
Well, because of me…
DALLAS
Okay. So you’re saying that you and Andrew…
DANA
Right.
DALLAS
You two…still…
DANA
Yes. That’s what I’m saying.
DALLAS
Even though you just said he was a total asshole and a douchebag.
DANA
Well, he is.
DALLAS
And yet you’re telling me…
DANA
What’s a girl to do?
DALLAS
Interesting.
DANA
To say the least.
DALLAS
Which is the real reason you wanted to meet up for coffee and “talk it out.” Because you are currently, still, sleeping with Andrew.
DANA
We’re hanging out. I don’t wanna cheapen it with sleeping…never mind. The point is, yes. We have an Andrew situation. Currently.
DALLAS
We do indeed. And so you just want to make sure that in the future, when we all happen to be at the same birthday party or whatever, that I don’t freak out and cause a scene.
DANA
I wanted to be the one to tell you. I wanted to talk about it. And I wanted you to know that even though Andrew and I initially slept together at perhaps the wrong time, it wasn’t just a meaningless one-night thing. That I wouldn’t put whatever friendship you and I had in jeopardy unless I really liked the guy and he really liked me. And I want you to know that.
DALLAS
Dana, that doesn’t really help. At all.
DANA
It doesn’t?
DALLAS
No.
DANA
Shit.
DALLAS
The pain I felt because of what happened was intense. But if I keep having to see it right in front of my face, obviously that’s gonna be even worse.
(DANA’S phone starts vibrating in her pocket.)
DANA
Hold that thought, I’m vibrating.
DALLAS
What?
(DANA looks at her phone, looks at DALLAS, denies the phone call, puts the phone back in her pocket.)
DANA
So we’re going to be civil to each other, is that what we’ve decided?
DALLAS
Honestly, Dana, I don’t know if I can handle it. I wanted to keep being friends with you because you’re fun to be around and we have a good time together. And the fact that you slept with my boyfriend while he was still my boyfriend might have put a barrier between us, but I thought maybe we could get through it. But now, with the new information that you are still sleeping with Andrew even though you acknowledge he’s a douchebag, I think maybe it’s best if we don’t have anything to do with each other.
DANA
Okay, Dallas. But just know that that’s your decision. That’s not the way I want it. I want to keep being friends.
DALLAS
Even though, according to you, we weren’t really friends before because we’re girls and girls can only be “friends.” Especially when one of them has a name that sounds like a stripper.
DANA
Exactly. I’m sorry, but it’s just the way I am. I don’t believe girls can be friends with no quotations. So the Andrew situation happened. And yet, I think we can maintain a “friendship.” But if you choose not to, that’s your decision. If you choose to run to all of our mutual friends and tell them what a bitch I am for “stealing your man,” then fine. I will play the role of the bitch in this situation.
DALLAS
So that’s really what this is about. How you look in this situation. How it makes you look to be out with Andrew. And you figure if I’m cool with it and stay “friends” with you, then no one else can really blame you for anything either. You’re using me and you’re using my weaknesses to try to manipulate the situation so that you don’t look bad while you’re fucking my ex-boyfriend. But the thing is, Dana, I’m not a guy. I don’t think like a guy so I’m not gonna fall into your little trap. I’m not stupid, like a guy, but since you think I am, I’m gonna respond like a guy. And so I’m finished talking it out. And I’m not giving you an answer. I’m gonna let it simmer so that you don’t know what I’m thinking. I could be telling everyone we know about this whole situation and how you tried to play me like a chump. I might ignore you at the next birthday party we both attend or I might say hi. So after all this, are we still friends? I don’t know. Whatever. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I’m finished with my coffee so I’m gonna leave. Why don’t you call Andrew back and deal with the fact that you’re both fucking assholes?
(DALLAS exits. After a moment, DANA pulls out her phone and makes a phone call.)
DANA
Hey baby. Yeah, I don’t know…it could have gone better.
(Blackout.)
The Andrew Situation.
(DANA and DALLAS are in a coffee shop.)
DANA
We should talk about it. You know? We’re girls, right?
DALLAS
Yeah, sure. We’re girls.
DANA
That’s what girls do, isn’t it? Talk about everything? I mean, we’re not guys. We don’t just let things simmer so that we don’t know what we’re thinking. Right?
DALLAS
Absolutely.
DANA
So we should talk this out. Because we’re “friends.”
DALLAS
Why the quotes?
DANA
I didn’t do any quotes. You mean this…?
(SHE indicates quotation marks with her fingers.)
I didn’t do that.
DALLAS
You did, vocally. You said, “friends,” as if it weren’t true. Implying that we weren’t actually friends, but rather “friends.”
DANA
Well, okay, maybe there were some implied vocal quotes. But it’s nothing personal, Dallas.
DALLAS
How can it not be personal? We’re talking about the friendship of you and me.
DANA
Right. But the implied vocal quotes were not directed at you particularly. I just put the verbal quotes there because we’re girls.
DALLAS
And what—girls can’t be friends with each other? They have to be “friends?”
DANA
In a way, yeah. Girls aren’t really friends with each other. I’ve never actually been friends with a girl. Not real friends anyway.
DALLAS
You’re telling me that we weren’t friends? Me and you? Before all this happened, I mean?
DANA
We hung out. We went to bars together, but we always kept each other an arm’s length away. We were never gonna be friends—friends. Even from the beginning. I mean, your name is Dallas, for God’s sake.
DALLAS
What does that—you were never gonna be friends with me because my name is Dallas?
DANA
Exactly. I mean, it sounds like a stripper’s name.
DALLAS
Dana, that’s my name. I can’t help that.
DANA
I know, and that’s my point. Isn’t that fucked up? You can’t help that. But when we first met, I judged you instantly because your name is Dallas. Like a stripper, I thought. And so we were never gonna be really close friends. That’s the way girls think. So you see my point?
DALLAS
I guess. You’re not friends with girls because of silly little things like their names.
DANA
Girls aren’t friends with girls. That’s my point. If you see two girls hanging out all the time, they’re just pretending to be close friends until one of them gets a boyfriend.
DALLAS
Dana, that is the most misogynistic thing I’ve ever heard another woman say.
DANA
It’s the truth.
DALLAS
I think you’re just saying that to escape blame for what you did.
DANA
I admit what I did was wrong. That’s not in question here. But to what extent was it wrong? Did I actually do something directly to you, or was I just doing what is natural for me to do?
DALLAS
You slept with my boyfriend.
DANA
All right. So now we’re opening up that part of the discussion.
DALLAS
You do want to talk about this, right?
DANA
Of course. That’s why we’re here, right? I’m certainly not here for the espresso drinks. We’re girls. Girls talk it out.
DALLAS
Okay, then I think that’s a good place to start.
DANA
What is?
DALLAS
The whole…Andrew situation.
DANA
Absolutely. I want to talk about the Andrew situation. And I’m glad you used that term, because it is, in fact, a situation. What happened, situationally, I think, is essentially, a question of timing. Am I right?
DALLAS
Timing was a part of it, yeah. But it’s not only a case of when you did what you did but what you actually did. You slept with Andrew.
DANA
And so the question becomes how does my sleeping with Andrew affect the “friendship” of you and me? What level friends were we before as opposed to what level we are now.
DALLAS
We were friends. That’s the point.
DANA
Okay. I can go with that. We were girl-friends, sure. And I slept with your boy-friend. And so I take the blame for that. But am I to take the blame for the entire Andrew situation? Or am I just a small part of it?
DALLAS
I mean, of course, Andrew’s to blame as well.
DANA
More, even. Andrew’s to blame more. He was the one going out with you. I was single. He’s a total dickhead. But even more than that, honestly, he wasn’t a very good boyfriend. And I always thought that. He didn’t respect you or your relationship. And that’s even more the point. Because when Andrew and I…came together, you two were, if I’m not mistaken, about to break up.
DALLAS
So you think that makes it okay?
DANA
I think it makes it okay-er. Is what I’m saying. Okay-er. What Andrew and I did is separate from anything to do with you and Andrew or, in fact, you and me, and our girl-“friend” ship.
DALLAS
Yes, Andrew and I were having our problems. We were trying, though, to work them out. But that all went to shit when you two had sex. So of course, then, we broke up.
DANA
So, then, maybe it wasn’t so bad. If it took a situation like me and Andrew to bring things to a necessary close, maybe it happened for a good reason. To bring his douchebagness out in the open.
DALLAS
Dana, that’s no justification for sleeping with someone’s boyfriend.
DANA
I’m sorry, Dallas. I’m sorry I slept with your “boyfriend.” Does that help?
DALLAS
Well, now you just put the verbal quotes around “boyfriend.”
DANA
You are just paranoid about this whole quote thing, Dallas.
DALLAS
Because you’re qualifying everything you’re saying and not taking full responsibility for what you did.
DANA
I don’t know how else to say it. You want me to keep apologizing? I will. I’m sorry I slept with Andrew. And we can talk about that whole thing for as long as you want. Or, a better option might be, we can discuss what’s happening now, in the present time. Because we can’t go back in time. I can’t unfuck Andrew. But we can deal with today.
DALLAS
You mean whether or not you and I can still be friends.
DANA
And I think it’s only fair that you make that decision.
DALLAS
Right now? You want me to decide if you and I are going to be friends? After the Andrew situation?
DANA
I think it’s your right.
DALLAS
But Dana, we haven’t really discussed anything yet. We’ve just talked around it.
DANA
You’re absolutely right. And I want to discuss everything. Because that’s what girls do. So let’s take a step back and see what we’ve got so far. I slept with Andrew and I’m sorry that happened. Andrew is a total asshole who cheated on you at the very end of an already bad relationship. Now he has to deal with his own guilt on top of the fact that he’s a douchebag. And you and I have to figure out whether or not we’re gonna keep being…
(Carefully.)
…friends, with or without the verbal quotation marks.
DALLAS
Honestly, Dana, I think we can at least be civil to each other, and that’s a good start. We’re grown women, we have a lot of the same friends, so at the very least, if we happen to be at the same birthday party or something, it should be fine.
DANA
Yes, I agree. And that’s very big of you to be able to handle being out in public with me and Andrew.
DALLAS
If, Andrew happens to be there as well, you mean…
DANA
Which he very well might be. Because…
DALLAS
Because…
DANA
Well, because of me…
DALLAS
Okay. So you’re saying that you and Andrew…
DANA
Right.
DALLAS
You two…still…
DANA
Yes. That’s what I’m saying.
DALLAS
Even though you just said he was a total asshole and a douchebag.
DANA
Well, he is.
DALLAS
And yet you’re telling me…
DANA
What’s a girl to do?
DALLAS
Interesting.
DANA
To say the least.
DALLAS
Which is the real reason you wanted to meet up for coffee and “talk it out.” Because you are currently, still, sleeping with Andrew.
DANA
We’re hanging out. I don’t wanna cheapen it with sleeping…never mind. The point is, yes. We have an Andrew situation. Currently.
DALLAS
We do indeed. And so you just want to make sure that in the future, when we all happen to be at the same birthday party or whatever, that I don’t freak out and cause a scene.
DANA
I wanted to be the one to tell you. I wanted to talk about it. And I wanted you to know that even though Andrew and I initially slept together at perhaps the wrong time, it wasn’t just a meaningless one-night thing. That I wouldn’t put whatever friendship you and I had in jeopardy unless I really liked the guy and he really liked me. And I want you to know that.
DALLAS
Dana, that doesn’t really help. At all.
DANA
It doesn’t?
DALLAS
No.
DANA
Shit.
DALLAS
The pain I felt because of what happened was intense. But if I keep having to see it right in front of my face, obviously that’s gonna be even worse.
(DANA’S phone starts vibrating in her pocket.)
DANA
Hold that thought, I’m vibrating.
DALLAS
What?
(DANA looks at her phone, looks at DALLAS, denies the phone call, puts the phone back in her pocket.)
DANA
So we’re going to be civil to each other, is that what we’ve decided?
DALLAS
Honestly, Dana, I don’t know if I can handle it. I wanted to keep being friends with you because you’re fun to be around and we have a good time together. And the fact that you slept with my boyfriend while he was still my boyfriend might have put a barrier between us, but I thought maybe we could get through it. But now, with the new information that you are still sleeping with Andrew even though you acknowledge he’s a douchebag, I think maybe it’s best if we don’t have anything to do with each other.
DANA
Okay, Dallas. But just know that that’s your decision. That’s not the way I want it. I want to keep being friends.
DALLAS
Even though, according to you, we weren’t really friends before because we’re girls and girls can only be “friends.” Especially when one of them has a name that sounds like a stripper.
DANA
Exactly. I’m sorry, but it’s just the way I am. I don’t believe girls can be friends with no quotations. So the Andrew situation happened. And yet, I think we can maintain a “friendship.” But if you choose not to, that’s your decision. If you choose to run to all of our mutual friends and tell them what a bitch I am for “stealing your man,” then fine. I will play the role of the bitch in this situation.
DALLAS
So that’s really what this is about. How you look in this situation. How it makes you look to be out with Andrew. And you figure if I’m cool with it and stay “friends” with you, then no one else can really blame you for anything either. You’re using me and you’re using my weaknesses to try to manipulate the situation so that you don’t look bad while you’re fucking my ex-boyfriend. But the thing is, Dana, I’m not a guy. I don’t think like a guy so I’m not gonna fall into your little trap. I’m not stupid, like a guy, but since you think I am, I’m gonna respond like a guy. And so I’m finished talking it out. And I’m not giving you an answer. I’m gonna let it simmer so that you don’t know what I’m thinking. I could be telling everyone we know about this whole situation and how you tried to play me like a chump. I might ignore you at the next birthday party we both attend or I might say hi. So after all this, are we still friends? I don’t know. Whatever. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I’m finished with my coffee so I’m gonna leave. Why don’t you call Andrew back and deal with the fact that you’re both fucking assholes?
(DALLAS exits. After a moment, DANA pulls out her phone and makes a phone call.)
DANA
Hey baby. Yeah, I don’t know…it could have gone better.
(Blackout.)
Last Chance #7
© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell
Last Chance #7.
(AUDREY is counting on the fingers on both of her hands.)
TOM
You still do that. I love how you still do that.
AUDREY
I’m just counting up everything.
TOM
I know. I love that. The way you compartmentalize everything, you know? Just naturally, you hear information and it’s instantly turned into some kinda list or filing cabinet in your head. You’ve got tabs coming out of you ears.
AUDREY
I don’t know about that last one, but, yeah, that’s the way my brain works. I was just counting up and organizing all of the different times you’ve hurt me, cross referenced with all the different chances I’ve given you.
TOM
That is so cool. You know? My brain just doesn’t work that way. I receive information or something and it just sits there like a pile of dog crap.
AUDREY
I’d say that’s a fair assessment.
TOM
Look, Audrey, I’m sorry I’m an asshole. I’m sorry I hurt you.
AUDREY
Ugh! Don’t say that. I hate that phrase. That’s my number two most hated phrase in the English language.
TOM
But I am sorry I hurt you. I really am.
AUDREY
What does that even mean? It’s such an empty and general phrase. It relinquishes responsibility for some general negative action while not owning up to anything in particular. You didn’t step on my foot, you know.
TOM
I don’t what else to say, Audrey. I’m not the word…person around here. I just know that I feel like I’m a bad person. And I’m sorry.
AUDREY
But you don’t really know what you’re sorry for, Tom.
TOM
I do.
AUDREY
Then what? What are you sorry for?
TOM
All the stuff you’ve been saying. You know, about how I make you feel bad and how I’m an asshole.
AUDREY
That’s not enough, Tom. That’s not gonna work with me. I’m the smart one of your girlfriends, remember?
TOM
Hey, my other girlfriends are pretty smart.
AUDREY
Ugh! You don’t stop! You’re so stupid! You never think before you speak.
TOM
Oh come on. You see other guys. We don’t have some kind of exclusive exclusivity or something.
AUDREY
One guy. While we were broken up. The most recent time we were broken up, I mean. I dated one guy for two weeks. We went on four dates, two of which we hung out with three other mutual friends. I would categorize all four dates as a five on a one-to-ten scale. Which is only because the all included at least two glasses of wine.
TOM
Yeah, well, I’m more concerned with what you did at the end of the dates.
AUDREY
None of your business.
TOM
I want it to be my business.
AUDREY
Why?
TOM
Because I love you.
AUDREY
Ha! You only love yourself. And you only say you love me a hundred times a day because you think if you keep saying it, it gets you off the hook from all the other stupid things you say that hurt my feelings.
TOM
That’s not true, I do love you. And just like it tears you up to think of me with other women, it does the same thing to me when I think of you on your four dates with your one guy and at least two glasses of wine. I can’t help but wonder what you and this “guy” did at the end of the night. On a scale of one-to-ten then, we’ll do it your way.
AUDREY
You’re not honestly asking me this.
TOM
No, come on, you’re gonna talk about the other women in my life. I wanna talk about Mr. Hot Shot wine…drinker. On a scale of one-to-ten, ten being…you know…what’d you do?
AUDREY
(Pause.)
Six.
TOM
(Pause.)
You gave him a hand job?
AUDREY
This is not the point here, Tom. What’s been going on between you and me for the last year and a half only involves you and me.
TOM
I know, Audrey, and I fucked it up. A lot.
AUDREY
Stop, Tom. Stop saying those generic, defeated, self-effacing phrases that mean absolutely nothing.
TOM
Well, what am I supposed to say then? I don’t know how to put things like you. You write down what I should say and I’ll say it. And I bet it’ll be exactly the same thing I’m trying to say but just worded in a way that makes you happy.
AUDREY
All right, fine.
(SHE starts writing something down.)
TOM
The point is, I know what I did wrong. I know that I’m a bad person. I don’t know how to change. I wish I did.
AUDREY
Shhh…just stop trying. You’re just saying the same meaningless drivel over and over. Here, try this.
TOM
(Reading.)
It’s over between us. All right, first of all, that’s not really what I’m trying to say. You obviously haven’t been listening. And secondly, it’s never over between us, Audrey. Haven’t you realized that by now?
AUDREY
I can’t do it anymore, Tom. I’m a real big idiot, I admit. I keep letting you back in. I keep thinking, well, this is okay, we’re just hanging out as friends. And then it turns into, okay, we’re making out again. Nothing serious. I can handle this. And then as soon as I slip and give you more of myself, open up and become vulnerable just a little bit—you find a way to destroy it.
TOM
I understand that. I know that I do that. That’s what I’m saying. I’m not perfect. But then, after I do something to fuck things up just a little bit, what do you do? You run away. You cut me off. You don’t answer my phone calls and you give hand jobs after four dates to some other guy. And that sends me into a deep depression, causing me to hook up with other girls that I don’t love. And then I never change. And the pattern keeps repeating itself.
AUDREY
And now, the pattern stops. That’s what I’m saying. I’m done with the pattern. And I never confirmed that six meant a hand job.
TOM
What else could it mean? I figure any number above five involves some kinda genitalia. That’s a given. Otherwise the whole scale is thrown off. And seven through nine, that’s getting a little messy, I don’t even wanna talk about that. So if four and five is all…
(HE does some physical gesturing.)
…then six just naturally means, you know…
(HE does some more physical gesturing, indicating the use of genitalia.)
Unless he was the one “sixing” you. I didn’t even think about that. Is that it? Did he six you after four dates and two glasses of wine?
AUDREY
I am not answering that ridiculous question. We’re kidding ourselves, Tom. We’re never gonna get it right.
TOM
Not if we don’t try.
AUDREY
We have tried. Lots of times. I’ve exhausted every bit of tolerance I have. The scale of how much I care gets diminished on the graph directly proportional to every time you do something totally fucking stupid. And right now I care about a two.
TOM
(Pause.)
Outta five at least?
AUDREY
The standard ten.
TOM
I understand, Audrey. I can accept that I don’t deserve you. I know that. I’m not gonna try to get you back. I just want you to know that I’m sorry.
AUDREY
Okay.
TOM
And that I love you.
AUDREY
Sure.
TOM
I love you an eight, at least.
AUDREY
Only an eight?
TOM
Out of five, I mean.
AUDREY
Whatever, Tom, that doesn’t even make sense.
TOM
Love doesn’t make sense. Love is irrational and goes against any kind of logic, or numbers, or graph, or any other kind of homework you can give yourself. Love is not homework, Audrey. Remember that.
AUDREY
Love is not homework? That’s your new grand philosophy?
TOM
Yes. You can’t solve love. It’s not an equation. See—other people, your friends, my friends, they can look at it from the outside and say, “Oh, look, this thing doesn’t match up with this thing and he is doing this to her and she’s doing this to him and it’s causing them to both…do this.” And they’ll add up all the numbers on their little imaginary calculators and come up with a solution. Which is that these two people shouldn’t be together. But they’re using logic. Common sense. And you can’t solve love with that stuff. Because the forces at work are illogical. This. This connection right here. Between us. Can’t be broken down into a pie chart. You can’t count this. Or rank this. Love is not homework, Audrey.
AUDREY
That doesn’t change the fact that every time I let you in again, you say something or do something that makes me feel insecure or jealous or sad and none of this adds up to equal a relationship that I want to be in.
TOM
You’re counting again. Stop counting, Audrey.
AUDREY
I can’t help it. I’m a counter. I like homework.
TOM
I know. And I love that about you. I think it’s real cute. But you can’t count this. You can’t organize it. You have to just go with it. Let it take you somewhere you’re scared to go. I wish I wasn’t such an asshole. Honestly, I do. And I’m sorry I hurt you all the time. I just know that I love you.
AUDREY
I know you do, Tom, but it’s not enough.
TOM
But it’s all I have. You’re all I have. I love you, Audrey.
AUDREY
I know.
TOM
Why can’t you say it back to me?
AUDREY
Because it’s my most hated phrase in the English language.
TOM
Why?
AUDREY
Because every time you say it it stabs me in the heart and twists around then spikes come out of it and start stabbing every other organ in my body.
TOM
See—that’s love. Illogical. Sometimes painful. Love.
AUDREY
That’s not love, Tom. What we have is something, sure. It’s something intense and powerful. But it’s not something that gonna last. There’s no foundation here. There’s no complete and utter boredom. And boredom is what makes a relationship last.
TOM
I can do boredom. I want boredom.
AUDREY
Tom, you can’t even take a bath instead of a shower because you get bored after a minute.
TOM
But if you were there with me, I could take a bath. I could do all those regular people things. I could read a novel. I could go an entire night sober. If you were there with me.
AUDREY
Forget it, Tom. You’re not gonna talk your way back into this. You might not be a logical person but I am. Logic is all I have. I’ve given you a plethora of chances to prove that you can handle the most basic, rudimentary standard behavior patterns of a decent human being and you failed every time. There’s no way that I can justify giving you another chance.
TOM
Then what are you gonna do? Just not talk to me? Cut me off?
AUDREY
I don’t see any other option.
TOM
You know I’ll keep calling you.
AUDREY
I know.
TOM
Everyday.
AUDREY
I know, Tom.
TOM
And I’ll text you at least twice a day.
AUDREY
I know you will. I’m prepared to ignore all of them.
TOM
I’ll email you.
AUDREY
Deleted.
TOM
I’ll IM you when I see you online.
AUDREY
I’ll block you so you can’t see when I’m online.
TOM
That’ll drive me crazy.
AUDREY
You’re already crazy.
TOM
I’ll show up at your house.
AUDREY
I won’t come outside.
TOM
Eventually you’ll break down. You always do.
AUDREY
Not this time, Tom. This time I’m not gonna break down. I need some time and some space. I have to live my life. I have to rediscover who I am without you.
TOM
I’ll just want to be with you even more.
AUDREY
And why is that, Tom?
TOM
Cause I love you?
AUDREY
No, because you only want me when you can’t have me. Because you’re only ever thinking about yourself. So when you can’t have me, it’s something you have to get, something you have to work for. And then when I finally do “break down” what happens? You do something to fuck it up. Why?
TOM
Cause I’m a bad person?
AUDREY
No, Tom, because you’re chasing me away, you push me away once you have me because you’re too childish and insecure to handle a real relationship with me. And then I end up the same every time, a broken, beaten down little girl who can’t live her life because she’s in love with a complete asshole.
TOM
You’re in love with me?
AUDREY
Is that the only thing you just heard? Yeah, sure, I’m in love with you. Does it matter? No. Because I’m not giving you another chance. That’s it. The last time I gave you a last chance it was truly the last chance. And it was number six.
TOM
Six?
AUDREY
It was the sixth last chance I had given you. This would make seven. And I have to draw the line somewhere. Seven is way too many last chances. So it is truly over, Tom. And yes, I am in love with you. Why else would I have given you so many chances?
TOM
So you’re just gonna tell me you’re in love with me and then throw me aside?
AUDREY
Do you need me to sum it up for you? I can, you know. It’s all in a file up here. I’ve given you six chances and you’ve hurt me seven times so that means there’s a one point advantage to breaking it off completely. During our last break from each other I went out with one guy four times. Each date was ranked a five on a scale from one-to-ten. Which means that the quality of the dates outranked the number of the dates by one point. Which now makes it a two point advantage. And I’m not factoring in the fact that he “sixed” me at the end of the night. And yes, he “sixed” me. I said earlier that I cared about our relationship about a two and you said you loved me about an eight. Out of a possible five. And even though that doesn’t make sense, the difference is still five points, which makes it seven to nothing, in favor of this being over. And since the number of reasons to not speak to you is seven and the number of chances I’ve already given you is six, the only possible conclusion is that last chance number seven cannot exist.
TOM
(Pause.)
Wait, but it can.
AUDREY
I’m sorry, but it can’t.
TOM
It has to, in fact. Your calculations might be correct, but your conclusion is completely wrong.
AUDREY
Oh please. You have a more logical conclusion?
TOM
Yes. You’ve given me six chances and the reasons to break it off completely are at a seven. Which means that one more chance would simply even out the score. Which would put everything at a neutral state. Which is the ideal. If you were to give me another chance that would give the advantage to the chances and not the reasons then yes, it should be over, but that’s not the case. A seventh chance is not only called for in this situation, it’s absolutely necessary.
AUDREY
Wait… Seven reasons to end the relationship versus six chances I’ve given you already…
TOM
So there’s one more to go. I have one more chance, Audrey. To make it an even seven to seven. Which is synonymous with zero to zero, which is nothing. Which is a blank slate.
AUDREY
Wait, let me go over the numbers again…
TOM
No, your calculations were right on the money, Audrey. But I get one more last chance. Logically. Mathematically.
AUDREY
You expect me to give you a seventh last chance just so that everything would work out evenly?
TOM
Yeah. Wow. That’s so cool, I didn’t know my brain could work that way. See, baby. You make me a better person.
AUDREY
I can’t believe this.
TOM
Audrey.
AUDREY
What?
TOM
I’m sorry I hurt you. And I love you.
AUDREY
This is not the way this was supposed to go. It was supposed to be over between us this time.
(HE kisses her.)
TOM
It’s never over between us. Come on, let’s go take a bath.
(HE kisses her again.)
Blackout.
Last Chance #7.
(AUDREY is counting on the fingers on both of her hands.)
TOM
You still do that. I love how you still do that.
AUDREY
I’m just counting up everything.
TOM
I know. I love that. The way you compartmentalize everything, you know? Just naturally, you hear information and it’s instantly turned into some kinda list or filing cabinet in your head. You’ve got tabs coming out of you ears.
AUDREY
I don’t know about that last one, but, yeah, that’s the way my brain works. I was just counting up and organizing all of the different times you’ve hurt me, cross referenced with all the different chances I’ve given you.
TOM
That is so cool. You know? My brain just doesn’t work that way. I receive information or something and it just sits there like a pile of dog crap.
AUDREY
I’d say that’s a fair assessment.
TOM
Look, Audrey, I’m sorry I’m an asshole. I’m sorry I hurt you.
AUDREY
Ugh! Don’t say that. I hate that phrase. That’s my number two most hated phrase in the English language.
TOM
But I am sorry I hurt you. I really am.
AUDREY
What does that even mean? It’s such an empty and general phrase. It relinquishes responsibility for some general negative action while not owning up to anything in particular. You didn’t step on my foot, you know.
TOM
I don’t what else to say, Audrey. I’m not the word…person around here. I just know that I feel like I’m a bad person. And I’m sorry.
AUDREY
But you don’t really know what you’re sorry for, Tom.
TOM
I do.
AUDREY
Then what? What are you sorry for?
TOM
All the stuff you’ve been saying. You know, about how I make you feel bad and how I’m an asshole.
AUDREY
That’s not enough, Tom. That’s not gonna work with me. I’m the smart one of your girlfriends, remember?
TOM
Hey, my other girlfriends are pretty smart.
AUDREY
Ugh! You don’t stop! You’re so stupid! You never think before you speak.
TOM
Oh come on. You see other guys. We don’t have some kind of exclusive exclusivity or something.
AUDREY
One guy. While we were broken up. The most recent time we were broken up, I mean. I dated one guy for two weeks. We went on four dates, two of which we hung out with three other mutual friends. I would categorize all four dates as a five on a one-to-ten scale. Which is only because the all included at least two glasses of wine.
TOM
Yeah, well, I’m more concerned with what you did at the end of the dates.
AUDREY
None of your business.
TOM
I want it to be my business.
AUDREY
Why?
TOM
Because I love you.
AUDREY
Ha! You only love yourself. And you only say you love me a hundred times a day because you think if you keep saying it, it gets you off the hook from all the other stupid things you say that hurt my feelings.
TOM
That’s not true, I do love you. And just like it tears you up to think of me with other women, it does the same thing to me when I think of you on your four dates with your one guy and at least two glasses of wine. I can’t help but wonder what you and this “guy” did at the end of the night. On a scale of one-to-ten then, we’ll do it your way.
AUDREY
You’re not honestly asking me this.
TOM
No, come on, you’re gonna talk about the other women in my life. I wanna talk about Mr. Hot Shot wine…drinker. On a scale of one-to-ten, ten being…you know…what’d you do?
AUDREY
(Pause.)
Six.
TOM
(Pause.)
You gave him a hand job?
AUDREY
This is not the point here, Tom. What’s been going on between you and me for the last year and a half only involves you and me.
TOM
I know, Audrey, and I fucked it up. A lot.
AUDREY
Stop, Tom. Stop saying those generic, defeated, self-effacing phrases that mean absolutely nothing.
TOM
Well, what am I supposed to say then? I don’t know how to put things like you. You write down what I should say and I’ll say it. And I bet it’ll be exactly the same thing I’m trying to say but just worded in a way that makes you happy.
AUDREY
All right, fine.
(SHE starts writing something down.)
TOM
The point is, I know what I did wrong. I know that I’m a bad person. I don’t know how to change. I wish I did.
AUDREY
Shhh…just stop trying. You’re just saying the same meaningless drivel over and over. Here, try this.
TOM
(Reading.)
It’s over between us. All right, first of all, that’s not really what I’m trying to say. You obviously haven’t been listening. And secondly, it’s never over between us, Audrey. Haven’t you realized that by now?
AUDREY
I can’t do it anymore, Tom. I’m a real big idiot, I admit. I keep letting you back in. I keep thinking, well, this is okay, we’re just hanging out as friends. And then it turns into, okay, we’re making out again. Nothing serious. I can handle this. And then as soon as I slip and give you more of myself, open up and become vulnerable just a little bit—you find a way to destroy it.
TOM
I understand that. I know that I do that. That’s what I’m saying. I’m not perfect. But then, after I do something to fuck things up just a little bit, what do you do? You run away. You cut me off. You don’t answer my phone calls and you give hand jobs after four dates to some other guy. And that sends me into a deep depression, causing me to hook up with other girls that I don’t love. And then I never change. And the pattern keeps repeating itself.
AUDREY
And now, the pattern stops. That’s what I’m saying. I’m done with the pattern. And I never confirmed that six meant a hand job.
TOM
What else could it mean? I figure any number above five involves some kinda genitalia. That’s a given. Otherwise the whole scale is thrown off. And seven through nine, that’s getting a little messy, I don’t even wanna talk about that. So if four and five is all…
(HE does some physical gesturing.)
…then six just naturally means, you know…
(HE does some more physical gesturing, indicating the use of genitalia.)
Unless he was the one “sixing” you. I didn’t even think about that. Is that it? Did he six you after four dates and two glasses of wine?
AUDREY
I am not answering that ridiculous question. We’re kidding ourselves, Tom. We’re never gonna get it right.
TOM
Not if we don’t try.
AUDREY
We have tried. Lots of times. I’ve exhausted every bit of tolerance I have. The scale of how much I care gets diminished on the graph directly proportional to every time you do something totally fucking stupid. And right now I care about a two.
TOM
(Pause.)
Outta five at least?
AUDREY
The standard ten.
TOM
I understand, Audrey. I can accept that I don’t deserve you. I know that. I’m not gonna try to get you back. I just want you to know that I’m sorry.
AUDREY
Okay.
TOM
And that I love you.
AUDREY
Sure.
TOM
I love you an eight, at least.
AUDREY
Only an eight?
TOM
Out of five, I mean.
AUDREY
Whatever, Tom, that doesn’t even make sense.
TOM
Love doesn’t make sense. Love is irrational and goes against any kind of logic, or numbers, or graph, or any other kind of homework you can give yourself. Love is not homework, Audrey. Remember that.
AUDREY
Love is not homework? That’s your new grand philosophy?
TOM
Yes. You can’t solve love. It’s not an equation. See—other people, your friends, my friends, they can look at it from the outside and say, “Oh, look, this thing doesn’t match up with this thing and he is doing this to her and she’s doing this to him and it’s causing them to both…do this.” And they’ll add up all the numbers on their little imaginary calculators and come up with a solution. Which is that these two people shouldn’t be together. But they’re using logic. Common sense. And you can’t solve love with that stuff. Because the forces at work are illogical. This. This connection right here. Between us. Can’t be broken down into a pie chart. You can’t count this. Or rank this. Love is not homework, Audrey.
AUDREY
That doesn’t change the fact that every time I let you in again, you say something or do something that makes me feel insecure or jealous or sad and none of this adds up to equal a relationship that I want to be in.
TOM
You’re counting again. Stop counting, Audrey.
AUDREY
I can’t help it. I’m a counter. I like homework.
TOM
I know. And I love that about you. I think it’s real cute. But you can’t count this. You can’t organize it. You have to just go with it. Let it take you somewhere you’re scared to go. I wish I wasn’t such an asshole. Honestly, I do. And I’m sorry I hurt you all the time. I just know that I love you.
AUDREY
I know you do, Tom, but it’s not enough.
TOM
But it’s all I have. You’re all I have. I love you, Audrey.
AUDREY
I know.
TOM
Why can’t you say it back to me?
AUDREY
Because it’s my most hated phrase in the English language.
TOM
Why?
AUDREY
Because every time you say it it stabs me in the heart and twists around then spikes come out of it and start stabbing every other organ in my body.
TOM
See—that’s love. Illogical. Sometimes painful. Love.
AUDREY
That’s not love, Tom. What we have is something, sure. It’s something intense and powerful. But it’s not something that gonna last. There’s no foundation here. There’s no complete and utter boredom. And boredom is what makes a relationship last.
TOM
I can do boredom. I want boredom.
AUDREY
Tom, you can’t even take a bath instead of a shower because you get bored after a minute.
TOM
But if you were there with me, I could take a bath. I could do all those regular people things. I could read a novel. I could go an entire night sober. If you were there with me.
AUDREY
Forget it, Tom. You’re not gonna talk your way back into this. You might not be a logical person but I am. Logic is all I have. I’ve given you a plethora of chances to prove that you can handle the most basic, rudimentary standard behavior patterns of a decent human being and you failed every time. There’s no way that I can justify giving you another chance.
TOM
Then what are you gonna do? Just not talk to me? Cut me off?
AUDREY
I don’t see any other option.
TOM
You know I’ll keep calling you.
AUDREY
I know.
TOM
Everyday.
AUDREY
I know, Tom.
TOM
And I’ll text you at least twice a day.
AUDREY
I know you will. I’m prepared to ignore all of them.
TOM
I’ll email you.
AUDREY
Deleted.
TOM
I’ll IM you when I see you online.
AUDREY
I’ll block you so you can’t see when I’m online.
TOM
That’ll drive me crazy.
AUDREY
You’re already crazy.
TOM
I’ll show up at your house.
AUDREY
I won’t come outside.
TOM
Eventually you’ll break down. You always do.
AUDREY
Not this time, Tom. This time I’m not gonna break down. I need some time and some space. I have to live my life. I have to rediscover who I am without you.
TOM
I’ll just want to be with you even more.
AUDREY
And why is that, Tom?
TOM
Cause I love you?
AUDREY
No, because you only want me when you can’t have me. Because you’re only ever thinking about yourself. So when you can’t have me, it’s something you have to get, something you have to work for. And then when I finally do “break down” what happens? You do something to fuck it up. Why?
TOM
Cause I’m a bad person?
AUDREY
No, Tom, because you’re chasing me away, you push me away once you have me because you’re too childish and insecure to handle a real relationship with me. And then I end up the same every time, a broken, beaten down little girl who can’t live her life because she’s in love with a complete asshole.
TOM
You’re in love with me?
AUDREY
Is that the only thing you just heard? Yeah, sure, I’m in love with you. Does it matter? No. Because I’m not giving you another chance. That’s it. The last time I gave you a last chance it was truly the last chance. And it was number six.
TOM
Six?
AUDREY
It was the sixth last chance I had given you. This would make seven. And I have to draw the line somewhere. Seven is way too many last chances. So it is truly over, Tom. And yes, I am in love with you. Why else would I have given you so many chances?
TOM
So you’re just gonna tell me you’re in love with me and then throw me aside?
AUDREY
Do you need me to sum it up for you? I can, you know. It’s all in a file up here. I’ve given you six chances and you’ve hurt me seven times so that means there’s a one point advantage to breaking it off completely. During our last break from each other I went out with one guy four times. Each date was ranked a five on a scale from one-to-ten. Which means that the quality of the dates outranked the number of the dates by one point. Which now makes it a two point advantage. And I’m not factoring in the fact that he “sixed” me at the end of the night. And yes, he “sixed” me. I said earlier that I cared about our relationship about a two and you said you loved me about an eight. Out of a possible five. And even though that doesn’t make sense, the difference is still five points, which makes it seven to nothing, in favor of this being over. And since the number of reasons to not speak to you is seven and the number of chances I’ve already given you is six, the only possible conclusion is that last chance number seven cannot exist.
TOM
(Pause.)
Wait, but it can.
AUDREY
I’m sorry, but it can’t.
TOM
It has to, in fact. Your calculations might be correct, but your conclusion is completely wrong.
AUDREY
Oh please. You have a more logical conclusion?
TOM
Yes. You’ve given me six chances and the reasons to break it off completely are at a seven. Which means that one more chance would simply even out the score. Which would put everything at a neutral state. Which is the ideal. If you were to give me another chance that would give the advantage to the chances and not the reasons then yes, it should be over, but that’s not the case. A seventh chance is not only called for in this situation, it’s absolutely necessary.
AUDREY
Wait… Seven reasons to end the relationship versus six chances I’ve given you already…
TOM
So there’s one more to go. I have one more chance, Audrey. To make it an even seven to seven. Which is synonymous with zero to zero, which is nothing. Which is a blank slate.
AUDREY
Wait, let me go over the numbers again…
TOM
No, your calculations were right on the money, Audrey. But I get one more last chance. Logically. Mathematically.
AUDREY
You expect me to give you a seventh last chance just so that everything would work out evenly?
TOM
Yeah. Wow. That’s so cool, I didn’t know my brain could work that way. See, baby. You make me a better person.
AUDREY
I can’t believe this.
TOM
Audrey.
AUDREY
What?
TOM
I’m sorry I hurt you. And I love you.
AUDREY
This is not the way this was supposed to go. It was supposed to be over between us this time.
(HE kisses her.)
TOM
It’s never over between us. Come on, let’s go take a bath.
(HE kisses her again.)
Blackout.
The Brothers Moron
© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell
The Brothers Moron.
(Three brothers, MITCH, WAYNE, and BILLY are staring at a television that is directly downstage, in the audience. MITCH has a remote control in his hand.)
BILLY
Dag. That’s definitely him.
MITCH
Course it’s him, Billy. That’s why we’re here. You think I’d a came here if it wudn’t him?
BILLY
No, yeah, I know, but dag. That’s Daddy on that video. And he’s robbin’ a bank.
WAYNE
He’s a fugitive. So what are we gon’ do about it?
MITCH
The hell you mean? We’re gon’ do the only thing we can. We’re gon’ do what he raised us to do. The right thing.
BILLY
How did he even know how to rob a bank?
WAYNE
What do you mean how? It’s easy. You just go in and say “gimme the daggone money.”
BILLY
Yeah, but there’s probably gotta be some kinda method to it, you know? So you don’t get caught.
MITCH
What are you—a freaking idiot? He did get caught. We’re watchin’ the daggum tape right now.
BILLY
He might still get away with it though.
MITCH
He ain’t gonna get away with nuthin’ cause we’re turnin’ him in. That’s what this is about.
WAYNE
Why would Daddy rob a bank?
BILLY
I bet it was for the money.
WAYNE
Yeah, probably.
MITCH
Ya’ll er both freakin’ idiots. Look, let’s not make this last any longer ‘n it has to. Let’s go down to the police station on Hunter Road—
BILLY
Oooohh…wait a minute.
WAYNE
Anything to avoid spend time with yer little brothers, huh?
MITCH
What? That ain’t got nuthin’ to do with anything.
BILLY
I ain’t going to the police station on Hunter Road.
MITCH
Yeah ya are. We’re doing this together, as brothers.
BILLY
It’s just that last time I was down there they told me they better not see my face again.
MITCH
Why the heck were you there?
BILLY
It was nuthin’. I just got busted smokin’ a little pot.
WAYNE
Tell him the rest.
BILLY
What rest?
WAYNE
Who you got busted smoking pot with.
BILLY
Oh.
MITCH
Who?
BILLY
Daddy.
MITCH
Billy, you dumbass.
WAYNE
That’s probably why he felt like he had to rob that daggum bank.
MITCH
Why—money for drugs?
BILLY
I’ve got some weed if he needed weed. It’s schwag, but it ain’t worth robbin’ a bank just for good pot.
MITCH
Can we just go down to the station and turn him in? They’re not gonna do nuthin’ to you, Billy, you ain’t doin’ nuthin’ wrong.
WAYNE
He just said he had weed.
MITCH
Well don’t bring the freaking weed with you then. Damn. Mo-rons on my team.
WAYNE
You ain’t gotta talk down to us. You ain’t gotta be self-righteous. You know, you ain’t perfect, Mitch, just cause you got a job and a wife and a dog.
BILLY
I didn’t know you had a dog.
WAYNE
He just got him. Pure breed too.
BILLY
No joke? Can I play with him?
MITCH
Yeah, sure, Billy, you can play with him maybe right after we turn our Daddy in for robbin’ a bank!
WAYNE
Are we positive we’re turnin’ him in? I mean, can’t we talk about it a little? He’s our Daddy.
BILLY
Yeah, Mitch. It’d be real weird to see Daddy behind bars.
WAYNE
We should at least talk about it. Maybe Daddy was justified in what he did.
MITCH
He robbed the freakin’ First Federal Bank, Wayne.
WAYNE
I’m just sayin’—we don’t know all the facts. Maybe the bank deserved to be robbed.
BILLY
Ooh—you mean like a corrupt bank? Maybe the bank was stealin’ money from all the regular people and Daddy was like a modern day Robin Hood.
MITCH
I don’t think Robin Hood was stealin’ from the rich in order to buy a bag a’ weed for the poor.
BILLY
You never know though. He did live in a forest.
WAYNE
I bet Robin Hood got high.
MITCH
It doesn’t matter whether or not Robin Hood got high, ya’ll. What reason could we have not to turn Daddy in?
WAYNE
Well, you just gotta ask yourself one question, Mitch. What would Jesus do?
BILLY
Yeah, that’s true. Jesus hated banks and money and stuff. He might hate the First Federal Bank too.
WAYNE
Maybe Jesus would go talk to Daddy first and try to convince him that what he did was wrong and he should repent.
MITCH
Wayne, you can leave all the Christian nonsense outta this, all right?
WAYNE
Hey—it ain’t nonsense, Mitch. You grew up in the church just like us. Just cause you went to some fancy college doesn’t mean you should turn your back on the Lord and what he has to teach you.
MITCH
I went to Capeville Community College, Wayne.
WAYNE
I know it. And ever since then you’re been too good for me, too good for Billy, and too good for Jesus. And now, maybe you think you’re even too good for yer own Daddy.
MITCH
My Daddy robbed a bank. He did it by himself and he’s a criminal. We’re turnin’ him in. That’s all there is to it.
WAYNE
But what if Daddy’s not the only one to blame here?
MITCH
You see somebody else on that daggum video?
WAYNE
I’m just sayin’—Daddy needed money. What for?
BILLY
For good pot.
WAYNE
I mean how come he didn’t have any money in the first place?
BILLY
Cause he lost his job.
MITCH
Daddy lost his job? I didn’t know that.
WAYNE
Well you woulda if you came around once and awhile.
MITCH
If he needed money he coulda came to me.
WAYNE
He ain’t gonna do that. He’s your Daddy, Mitch. He’s got too much pride. That’s why he didn’t even tell you he lost his job. He didn’t want to let you down.
MITCH
So why’d he lose his job?
WAYNE
See—this is the kinda thing we should talk about. You don’t have all the information.
MITCH
Then why don’t you give it to me, Wayne?
WAYNE
I am.
MITCH
Cause I was under the impression the guys at the warehouse liked Daddy.
WAYNE
They did. Until I accidentally set the warehouse on fire a little bit.
MITCH
Dammit, Wayne. You burned down the warehouse where Daddy works?
WAYNE
Accidentally. I just came to visit Daddy on his lunch break. And…you know…
MITCH
And I know what, Wayne?
WAYNE
(Like “duh.”)
Someone had a book of matches.
MITCH
And so inevitably you burned down the freakin’ warehouse. Because someone had matches. And they must not have known that you were a stupid retard!
WAYNE
I’m not a stupid retard, I was just goofin’ around, cuttin’ up. Anyway, the point is, Daddy lost his job cause a’ me. So how’m I gonna go down to the police station and turn him in?
BILLY
Yeah, n’ he was just tryin’ to get money for good pot cause all I had was schwag. So it’s kinda my fault too.
MITCH
No it ain’t, ya’ll. Neither a’ ya’ll told Daddy to rob a bank. He did that on his own accord. And that’s against the laws of this great country. If ya ain’t comin’ with me, I’m turnin’ him in myself.
WAYNE
If you can live with yourself after turnin’ your own Daddy in to the police for robbin’ a little bank because he felt like he had to because of us, his three sons, lettin’ him down…
MITCH
Hey, I didn’t do nuthin’. Leave me outta this.
WAYNE
Oh, you didn’t do nuthin’. Yer completely innocent in all this.
MITCH
Yeah, I am.
BILLY
Or so you say. I got this one, Wayne. Allow me, if you will, to play detective here for a moment. Now, Mitch…
MITCH
What Billy?
BILLY
I’ll ask the questions. Upon graduatin’ from Capeville Community College, where exactly did you find employment?
MITCH
I’m a security guard, stupid, you know that.
BILLY
And what exactly do you “security guard?”
MITCH
The First Federal Bank, numskull, that’s how we got the daggum tape.
BILLY
Ah-ha! So, where were you yesterday afternoon when the First Federal Bank was being allegedly “robbed?”
MITCH
It was my day off. I was at home with my new dog.
BILLY
Uh-huh, uh-huh. So then I just have one question. Did you help Daddy rob the First Federal Bank?
MITCH
No.
BILLY
Uh-huh, uh-huh… Very interesting…
WAYNE
Billy, maybe you better let me handle the detective work.
BILLY
Oh, I see. Like a good cop/bad cop kinda thing.
WAYNE
Somethin’ like that.
BILLY
Kick his ass, Wayne.
MITCH
Nobody’s kickin’ anybody’s ass. When I took the job at the bank, I took an oath to uphold the law and that’s what the heck I intend to do. Now ya’ll can either come with me with that there tape or you can stay here and waste yer lives away drinkin’ that malt liquor and gas station wine.
WAYNE
See—there you go, stereotypin’ us. Lookin’ down on us from your gigantic throne. The New King of Society turnin’ his back on his whole family just cause he got a job. And a wife.
BILLY
And a dog.
WAYNE
And a freakin’ dog.
MITCH
I didn’t come here to look down on anyone, Wayne. I came here because our Daddy robbed a bank and we gotta go turn him in.
WAYNE
Well, if it took Daddy robbin’ that bank to make us see the division between us here, then I’m glad he robbed the bank. I hope he robs it again.
BILLY
Well, now that’s unlikely.
WAYNE
I’m just makin’ a point.
MITCH
Which is what, exactly?
WAYNE
“Which is what, exactly?” Listen to that college boy language.
BILLY
(In his best British accent.)
“Which is what, exactly?”
WAYNE
My point is maybe Daddy was tryin’ to send you a message by robbin’ the bank where you work as a security guard.
BILLY
(Still British.)
“Which is what, exactly?”
WAYNE
That maybe you’ve been neglecting what’s really important here. Family. Brotherhood. Daddy’s givin’ you a test. Can’t you see that? And you’re about to fail.
MITCH
So Daddy robbed the bank where I’m a security guard in order to test me?
WAYNE
That’s exactly what he did.
MITCH
To get me to spend time with you jackasses?
WAYNE
Exactly.
MITCH
So why couldn’t he a’ just grilled out some burgers or something?
BILLY
Cause Daddy’s like Obi-Won Kenobi. Sacrificin’ himself for the power that is yet to come.
MITCH
Well, listen, ya’ll, it ain’t that I don’t like spendin’ time around here. I just work a lot and I got this wife and this new dog…
WAYNE
Yeah, I mean, I guess I can understand that. ‘Member that girlfriend I had a while back? It was kinda the same thing.
MITCH
Yeah. Well, that was in ninth grade, but, yeah.
BILLY
Shoot, if I had a dog you wouldn’t see me as much either.
MITCH
I didn’t know ya’ll felt this strong about it.
WAYNE
We just miss you, man.
MITCH
I miss ya’ll too. I’ll come around more from now on, I promise.
BILLY
And bring the dog too. I wanna run around the yard with her.
MITCH
Sure thing, Billy. Now what do you say we go down to the police station on Hunter Road and turn Daddy in?
WAYNE
All right, fine. If you say it’s the right thing to do, I trust you. I just can’t believe we gotta turn in our own Daddy.
MITCH
It’s the right thing to do, Wayne. It’s what he wants us to do. Like Obi-Won Kenobi. We’re gonna send Daddy to prison. As brothers.
(THEY bring it in.)
BILLY
Lemme just get the weed outta my pocket first.
(Blackout.)
The Brothers Moron.
(Three brothers, MITCH, WAYNE, and BILLY are staring at a television that is directly downstage, in the audience. MITCH has a remote control in his hand.)
BILLY
Dag. That’s definitely him.
MITCH
Course it’s him, Billy. That’s why we’re here. You think I’d a came here if it wudn’t him?
BILLY
No, yeah, I know, but dag. That’s Daddy on that video. And he’s robbin’ a bank.
WAYNE
He’s a fugitive. So what are we gon’ do about it?
MITCH
The hell you mean? We’re gon’ do the only thing we can. We’re gon’ do what he raised us to do. The right thing.
BILLY
How did he even know how to rob a bank?
WAYNE
What do you mean how? It’s easy. You just go in and say “gimme the daggone money.”
BILLY
Yeah, but there’s probably gotta be some kinda method to it, you know? So you don’t get caught.
MITCH
What are you—a freaking idiot? He did get caught. We’re watchin’ the daggum tape right now.
BILLY
He might still get away with it though.
MITCH
He ain’t gonna get away with nuthin’ cause we’re turnin’ him in. That’s what this is about.
WAYNE
Why would Daddy rob a bank?
BILLY
I bet it was for the money.
WAYNE
Yeah, probably.
MITCH
Ya’ll er both freakin’ idiots. Look, let’s not make this last any longer ‘n it has to. Let’s go down to the police station on Hunter Road—
BILLY
Oooohh…wait a minute.
WAYNE
Anything to avoid spend time with yer little brothers, huh?
MITCH
What? That ain’t got nuthin’ to do with anything.
BILLY
I ain’t going to the police station on Hunter Road.
MITCH
Yeah ya are. We’re doing this together, as brothers.
BILLY
It’s just that last time I was down there they told me they better not see my face again.
MITCH
Why the heck were you there?
BILLY
It was nuthin’. I just got busted smokin’ a little pot.
WAYNE
Tell him the rest.
BILLY
What rest?
WAYNE
Who you got busted smoking pot with.
BILLY
Oh.
MITCH
Who?
BILLY
Daddy.
MITCH
Billy, you dumbass.
WAYNE
That’s probably why he felt like he had to rob that daggum bank.
MITCH
Why—money for drugs?
BILLY
I’ve got some weed if he needed weed. It’s schwag, but it ain’t worth robbin’ a bank just for good pot.
MITCH
Can we just go down to the station and turn him in? They’re not gonna do nuthin’ to you, Billy, you ain’t doin’ nuthin’ wrong.
WAYNE
He just said he had weed.
MITCH
Well don’t bring the freaking weed with you then. Damn. Mo-rons on my team.
WAYNE
You ain’t gotta talk down to us. You ain’t gotta be self-righteous. You know, you ain’t perfect, Mitch, just cause you got a job and a wife and a dog.
BILLY
I didn’t know you had a dog.
WAYNE
He just got him. Pure breed too.
BILLY
No joke? Can I play with him?
MITCH
Yeah, sure, Billy, you can play with him maybe right after we turn our Daddy in for robbin’ a bank!
WAYNE
Are we positive we’re turnin’ him in? I mean, can’t we talk about it a little? He’s our Daddy.
BILLY
Yeah, Mitch. It’d be real weird to see Daddy behind bars.
WAYNE
We should at least talk about it. Maybe Daddy was justified in what he did.
MITCH
He robbed the freakin’ First Federal Bank, Wayne.
WAYNE
I’m just sayin’—we don’t know all the facts. Maybe the bank deserved to be robbed.
BILLY
Ooh—you mean like a corrupt bank? Maybe the bank was stealin’ money from all the regular people and Daddy was like a modern day Robin Hood.
MITCH
I don’t think Robin Hood was stealin’ from the rich in order to buy a bag a’ weed for the poor.
BILLY
You never know though. He did live in a forest.
WAYNE
I bet Robin Hood got high.
MITCH
It doesn’t matter whether or not Robin Hood got high, ya’ll. What reason could we have not to turn Daddy in?
WAYNE
Well, you just gotta ask yourself one question, Mitch. What would Jesus do?
BILLY
Yeah, that’s true. Jesus hated banks and money and stuff. He might hate the First Federal Bank too.
WAYNE
Maybe Jesus would go talk to Daddy first and try to convince him that what he did was wrong and he should repent.
MITCH
Wayne, you can leave all the Christian nonsense outta this, all right?
WAYNE
Hey—it ain’t nonsense, Mitch. You grew up in the church just like us. Just cause you went to some fancy college doesn’t mean you should turn your back on the Lord and what he has to teach you.
MITCH
I went to Capeville Community College, Wayne.
WAYNE
I know it. And ever since then you’re been too good for me, too good for Billy, and too good for Jesus. And now, maybe you think you’re even too good for yer own Daddy.
MITCH
My Daddy robbed a bank. He did it by himself and he’s a criminal. We’re turnin’ him in. That’s all there is to it.
WAYNE
But what if Daddy’s not the only one to blame here?
MITCH
You see somebody else on that daggum video?
WAYNE
I’m just sayin’—Daddy needed money. What for?
BILLY
For good pot.
WAYNE
I mean how come he didn’t have any money in the first place?
BILLY
Cause he lost his job.
MITCH
Daddy lost his job? I didn’t know that.
WAYNE
Well you woulda if you came around once and awhile.
MITCH
If he needed money he coulda came to me.
WAYNE
He ain’t gonna do that. He’s your Daddy, Mitch. He’s got too much pride. That’s why he didn’t even tell you he lost his job. He didn’t want to let you down.
MITCH
So why’d he lose his job?
WAYNE
See—this is the kinda thing we should talk about. You don’t have all the information.
MITCH
Then why don’t you give it to me, Wayne?
WAYNE
I am.
MITCH
Cause I was under the impression the guys at the warehouse liked Daddy.
WAYNE
They did. Until I accidentally set the warehouse on fire a little bit.
MITCH
Dammit, Wayne. You burned down the warehouse where Daddy works?
WAYNE
Accidentally. I just came to visit Daddy on his lunch break. And…you know…
MITCH
And I know what, Wayne?
WAYNE
(Like “duh.”)
Someone had a book of matches.
MITCH
And so inevitably you burned down the freakin’ warehouse. Because someone had matches. And they must not have known that you were a stupid retard!
WAYNE
I’m not a stupid retard, I was just goofin’ around, cuttin’ up. Anyway, the point is, Daddy lost his job cause a’ me. So how’m I gonna go down to the police station and turn him in?
BILLY
Yeah, n’ he was just tryin’ to get money for good pot cause all I had was schwag. So it’s kinda my fault too.
MITCH
No it ain’t, ya’ll. Neither a’ ya’ll told Daddy to rob a bank. He did that on his own accord. And that’s against the laws of this great country. If ya ain’t comin’ with me, I’m turnin’ him in myself.
WAYNE
If you can live with yourself after turnin’ your own Daddy in to the police for robbin’ a little bank because he felt like he had to because of us, his three sons, lettin’ him down…
MITCH
Hey, I didn’t do nuthin’. Leave me outta this.
WAYNE
Oh, you didn’t do nuthin’. Yer completely innocent in all this.
MITCH
Yeah, I am.
BILLY
Or so you say. I got this one, Wayne. Allow me, if you will, to play detective here for a moment. Now, Mitch…
MITCH
What Billy?
BILLY
I’ll ask the questions. Upon graduatin’ from Capeville Community College, where exactly did you find employment?
MITCH
I’m a security guard, stupid, you know that.
BILLY
And what exactly do you “security guard?”
MITCH
The First Federal Bank, numskull, that’s how we got the daggum tape.
BILLY
Ah-ha! So, where were you yesterday afternoon when the First Federal Bank was being allegedly “robbed?”
MITCH
It was my day off. I was at home with my new dog.
BILLY
Uh-huh, uh-huh. So then I just have one question. Did you help Daddy rob the First Federal Bank?
MITCH
No.
BILLY
Uh-huh, uh-huh… Very interesting…
WAYNE
Billy, maybe you better let me handle the detective work.
BILLY
Oh, I see. Like a good cop/bad cop kinda thing.
WAYNE
Somethin’ like that.
BILLY
Kick his ass, Wayne.
MITCH
Nobody’s kickin’ anybody’s ass. When I took the job at the bank, I took an oath to uphold the law and that’s what the heck I intend to do. Now ya’ll can either come with me with that there tape or you can stay here and waste yer lives away drinkin’ that malt liquor and gas station wine.
WAYNE
See—there you go, stereotypin’ us. Lookin’ down on us from your gigantic throne. The New King of Society turnin’ his back on his whole family just cause he got a job. And a wife.
BILLY
And a dog.
WAYNE
And a freakin’ dog.
MITCH
I didn’t come here to look down on anyone, Wayne. I came here because our Daddy robbed a bank and we gotta go turn him in.
WAYNE
Well, if it took Daddy robbin’ that bank to make us see the division between us here, then I’m glad he robbed the bank. I hope he robs it again.
BILLY
Well, now that’s unlikely.
WAYNE
I’m just makin’ a point.
MITCH
Which is what, exactly?
WAYNE
“Which is what, exactly?” Listen to that college boy language.
BILLY
(In his best British accent.)
“Which is what, exactly?”
WAYNE
My point is maybe Daddy was tryin’ to send you a message by robbin’ the bank where you work as a security guard.
BILLY
(Still British.)
“Which is what, exactly?”
WAYNE
That maybe you’ve been neglecting what’s really important here. Family. Brotherhood. Daddy’s givin’ you a test. Can’t you see that? And you’re about to fail.
MITCH
So Daddy robbed the bank where I’m a security guard in order to test me?
WAYNE
That’s exactly what he did.
MITCH
To get me to spend time with you jackasses?
WAYNE
Exactly.
MITCH
So why couldn’t he a’ just grilled out some burgers or something?
BILLY
Cause Daddy’s like Obi-Won Kenobi. Sacrificin’ himself for the power that is yet to come.
MITCH
Well, listen, ya’ll, it ain’t that I don’t like spendin’ time around here. I just work a lot and I got this wife and this new dog…
WAYNE
Yeah, I mean, I guess I can understand that. ‘Member that girlfriend I had a while back? It was kinda the same thing.
MITCH
Yeah. Well, that was in ninth grade, but, yeah.
BILLY
Shoot, if I had a dog you wouldn’t see me as much either.
MITCH
I didn’t know ya’ll felt this strong about it.
WAYNE
We just miss you, man.
MITCH
I miss ya’ll too. I’ll come around more from now on, I promise.
BILLY
And bring the dog too. I wanna run around the yard with her.
MITCH
Sure thing, Billy. Now what do you say we go down to the police station on Hunter Road and turn Daddy in?
WAYNE
All right, fine. If you say it’s the right thing to do, I trust you. I just can’t believe we gotta turn in our own Daddy.
MITCH
It’s the right thing to do, Wayne. It’s what he wants us to do. Like Obi-Won Kenobi. We’re gonna send Daddy to prison. As brothers.
(THEY bring it in.)
BILLY
Lemme just get the weed outta my pocket first.
(Blackout.)
New York Confidential
© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell
New York Confidential
“I’m an actor. I give people moments.”
(NATALIE and BOBBY are in a fancy hotel room in Miami.)
NATALIE
Of course I love you, baby. Would I be here if I didn’t love you? This is exactly what I wanted. I had to get out of the fucking city. Do you feel like we’re on a honeymoon? That’s how I feel. I’m gonna go on the balcony and look at the view again, okay, baby?
BOBBY
Yeah, sure.
(SHE gets off the bed and exits to the balcony. BOBBY sits up and puts on his glasses. HE puts his laptop on the bed and start to do some work.)
NATALIE
Oh my God, it’s so fucking beautiful out here. Why the hell do we live in New York City?
BOBBY
Cause that’s where the money is.
NATALIE
You’re here now making money, aren’t you?
BOBBY
Yeah, so are you.
NATALIE
Can I tell you how lucky I am to know you?
BOBBY
Yes, you can.
(SHE gets back on the bed, behind him, and starts to massage his shoulders.)
NATALIE
This is probably the best weekend of my life.
BOBBY
You’re just saying that.
NATALIE
I’m serious. Look at me.
(SHE turns his head to face her and kisses him on the lips.)
Maybe it’s just your lips.
BOBBY
Maybe what’s just my lips?
NATALIE
The reason.
BOBBY
The reason for what, Natalie?
NATALIE
I don’t know. It’s silly, but there’s something about you that totally and completely fits, you know? Like I’m drawn to you.
BOBBY
I know, I feel that too.
NATALIE
I feel like I could be in a crowded room full of everyone I’ve ever known in my whole life and I would still see your face from across the room and my heart would just sink, you know, like there’s this complete wash over my entire body, this feeling that I can’t escape you. I don’t know what it is. So I’m just trying to figure it out. Maybe it’s your lips. Cause you’re a great kisser.
BOBBY
Do you really have that feeling, Natalie? Cause I do too. It’s crazy, right? I think it’s more than just my lips though.
NATALIE
I know. It’s a lot more than your lips. We just get each other, you know? Like we could be walking down the street together and see something, like someone walking past us, and both of us have the same exact thought but never have to say anything, just look at each other and smile. Don’t you feel that?
BOBBY
Absolutely.
NATALIE
Are you gonna be doing work for awhile, baby?
BOBBY
I just have to do a couple things. This is a business trip, after all. Even though it looks like a vacation.
NATALIE
Are we gonna go to the beach today?
BOBBY
Of course. We gotta work on your tan, don’t we?
NATALIE
Absolutely. See—I’ve got work to do too. Gotta make all this look good.
(SHE puts her legs on top of BOBBY.)
BOBBY
All right, all right. I just have a couple things to do here. You get me all worked up I’m not gonna be able to concentrate.
NATALIE
Well, I’m always all worked up, so too bad.
BOBBY
That’s why I love you.
NATALIE
That’s why I love me too.
BOBBY
Come here.
(HE kisses her.)
NATALIE
Then I’m going on the beach. You stay here and do work and when you’re done I’ll be oiled up and ready for you.
BOBBY
Sounds good to me.
NATALIE
I’ll go put on my bikini.
(SHE exits to the bathroom. BOBBY gets up and puts on some more clothes.)
NATALIE
(From offstage.)
I can’t get over this bathroom. It’s nicer than my bathroom at home, that’s for sure.
BOBBY
Hey, Natalie.
NATALIE
(Off.)
What’s up, baby?
BOBBY
Um…I was gonna talk to you about something.
NATALIE
(Off.)
Sure, what is it?
BOBBY
Uh, listen…I know that our relationship is…you know, not exactly a normal relationship…
NATALIE
(Off.)
Uh-huh…
BOBBY
But I can’t help but feel like it was always supposed to be this way, you know?
NATALIE
(Off.)
I know, baby, I feel that way too.
BOBBY
Right, so… I mean, I’m not stupid. I know what’s going on here. I do really well…I mean, I’m rich, let’s be honest. And ever since I became rich, that’s why people have liked me. I know it sounds like false humility but it’s true. I didn’t get to be rich by being stupid, so I’m not stupid about this. My business partners and friends, the women in my life, even my wife, they all love me because I’m rich. Which I’m okay with, because it’s who I am. It’s a part of me. You can’t erase it from who I am. I am my money. For better or worse.
NATALIE
(Emerging from the bathroom.)
Bobby, why are you talking about all this?
BOBBY
I’m just saying, I’m not stupid. This is about money. But there’s something else here besides just money.
NATALIE
I know. You don’t have to tell me that, I know it is. I don’t care about money, you know that.
BOBBY
I love you. And please, just, don’t say anything in response. I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to listen. I love you. And I know that I paid a lot of money to bring you down here with me. I could be here alone, but that would be depressing. I could be here with my wife, but that would be depressing too, and basically cost just as much in the long run. So I got you to come with me. But I also know that I’m not some schmuck with a black Amex, I’m a pretty cool guy. I’m good looking, I’m successful and powerful, I’m nice, I’m not a total asshole… What I’m saying, is, Natalie, I know what you do for a living. And it’s okay, I respect that…I mean, I’m part of it. If it wasn’t for this “New York Confidential” you and I would never have met. And I’ve never been more grateful for anything in my life. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. The thing is, I’m getting older. And I’m ready for a change in my life. I embrace who I am. I embrace the fact that you are here with me because of my money. I’m okay with that. So what I want to offer you, I mean, what I want to ask, is if you would like to make this a more permanent thing. I know you’re young, but you’re really intelligent and you have a great sense for business, I can tell. So think of it as a business proposition. You probably make a lot of money now, but honestly, Natalie, it’s not real money. It’s fake money. It’s temporary money. It’ll go away one day just because of the nature of what you’re doing. I make real money. You’re here this weekend, having the best weekend of your life, because of real money. And it’s not going anywhere. Besides that, what you’re doing with your life is dangerous. I’m not judging it, I’m just saying that if you were with me, there’s no danger there. No one could ever touch you. So, what I’m saying, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to stay. Stay with me. Not go back. We could live wherever you want. You’ll always have everything you’ve ever wanted. You can pursue acting and dancing and everything else you’ve ever wanted to do. You can have all day to pursue a real acting career. Or you can just work on your tan all day, it doesn’t matter. I just want you to be with me. Because I love you.
NATALIE
What about your wife, Bobby?
BOBBY
I’m ready for a change. We’re not gonna last anyway. She married me for my money, fine, but I was stupid back then. I thought it was different. I’m smart now. Now I know the shot, I can operate here…I want you to be my wife. She’s gone. We’ll never have to deal with her again except for a little check I send her every month. It’ll just be you and me.
NATALIE
Bobby, I can’t just pick up and leave my life. I like my life.
BOBBY
So you keep what you want to keep and you throw away everything else. I’m not gonna try to control you, baby, I just want you to be with me. I want things to be like this all the time. Look around Natalie, this is the dream right here. This is paradise.
NATALIE
Bobby, listen to me. Everything you said is true. You are a great guy. You’re not a schmuck. You’re wonderful and beautiful and everything. I’m not lying to you about how I feel. This is real, between you and me. It’s real. But there are certain things that make it impossible for this to be any more permanent than it is.
BOBBY
So you’re turning down my offer?
NATALIE
Bobby, we shouldn’t even be talking like this. It’s gonna ruin our whole vacation.
BOBBY
It won’t. I promise. After we talk about this, I’ll never bring it up again. It’ll be fine. We’re still gonna have fun. But I had to bring it up.
NATALIE
I understand.
BOBBY
So…what’s your answer?
NATALIE
Bobby, I’m an actor. I give people moments. Moments are what makes life worth living. Come here, baby.
(HE goes to her, SHE kisses him.)
I really do love you.
(SHE exits to go to the beach.)
New York Confidential
“I’m an actor. I give people moments.”
(NATALIE and BOBBY are in a fancy hotel room in Miami.)
NATALIE
Of course I love you, baby. Would I be here if I didn’t love you? This is exactly what I wanted. I had to get out of the fucking city. Do you feel like we’re on a honeymoon? That’s how I feel. I’m gonna go on the balcony and look at the view again, okay, baby?
BOBBY
Yeah, sure.
(SHE gets off the bed and exits to the balcony. BOBBY sits up and puts on his glasses. HE puts his laptop on the bed and start to do some work.)
NATALIE
Oh my God, it’s so fucking beautiful out here. Why the hell do we live in New York City?
BOBBY
Cause that’s where the money is.
NATALIE
You’re here now making money, aren’t you?
BOBBY
Yeah, so are you.
NATALIE
Can I tell you how lucky I am to know you?
BOBBY
Yes, you can.
(SHE gets back on the bed, behind him, and starts to massage his shoulders.)
NATALIE
This is probably the best weekend of my life.
BOBBY
You’re just saying that.
NATALIE
I’m serious. Look at me.
(SHE turns his head to face her and kisses him on the lips.)
Maybe it’s just your lips.
BOBBY
Maybe what’s just my lips?
NATALIE
The reason.
BOBBY
The reason for what, Natalie?
NATALIE
I don’t know. It’s silly, but there’s something about you that totally and completely fits, you know? Like I’m drawn to you.
BOBBY
I know, I feel that too.
NATALIE
I feel like I could be in a crowded room full of everyone I’ve ever known in my whole life and I would still see your face from across the room and my heart would just sink, you know, like there’s this complete wash over my entire body, this feeling that I can’t escape you. I don’t know what it is. So I’m just trying to figure it out. Maybe it’s your lips. Cause you’re a great kisser.
BOBBY
Do you really have that feeling, Natalie? Cause I do too. It’s crazy, right? I think it’s more than just my lips though.
NATALIE
I know. It’s a lot more than your lips. We just get each other, you know? Like we could be walking down the street together and see something, like someone walking past us, and both of us have the same exact thought but never have to say anything, just look at each other and smile. Don’t you feel that?
BOBBY
Absolutely.
NATALIE
Are you gonna be doing work for awhile, baby?
BOBBY
I just have to do a couple things. This is a business trip, after all. Even though it looks like a vacation.
NATALIE
Are we gonna go to the beach today?
BOBBY
Of course. We gotta work on your tan, don’t we?
NATALIE
Absolutely. See—I’ve got work to do too. Gotta make all this look good.
(SHE puts her legs on top of BOBBY.)
BOBBY
All right, all right. I just have a couple things to do here. You get me all worked up I’m not gonna be able to concentrate.
NATALIE
Well, I’m always all worked up, so too bad.
BOBBY
That’s why I love you.
NATALIE
That’s why I love me too.
BOBBY
Come here.
(HE kisses her.)
NATALIE
Then I’m going on the beach. You stay here and do work and when you’re done I’ll be oiled up and ready for you.
BOBBY
Sounds good to me.
NATALIE
I’ll go put on my bikini.
(SHE exits to the bathroom. BOBBY gets up and puts on some more clothes.)
NATALIE
(From offstage.)
I can’t get over this bathroom. It’s nicer than my bathroom at home, that’s for sure.
BOBBY
Hey, Natalie.
NATALIE
(Off.)
What’s up, baby?
BOBBY
Um…I was gonna talk to you about something.
NATALIE
(Off.)
Sure, what is it?
BOBBY
Uh, listen…I know that our relationship is…you know, not exactly a normal relationship…
NATALIE
(Off.)
Uh-huh…
BOBBY
But I can’t help but feel like it was always supposed to be this way, you know?
NATALIE
(Off.)
I know, baby, I feel that way too.
BOBBY
Right, so… I mean, I’m not stupid. I know what’s going on here. I do really well…I mean, I’m rich, let’s be honest. And ever since I became rich, that’s why people have liked me. I know it sounds like false humility but it’s true. I didn’t get to be rich by being stupid, so I’m not stupid about this. My business partners and friends, the women in my life, even my wife, they all love me because I’m rich. Which I’m okay with, because it’s who I am. It’s a part of me. You can’t erase it from who I am. I am my money. For better or worse.
NATALIE
(Emerging from the bathroom.)
Bobby, why are you talking about all this?
BOBBY
I’m just saying, I’m not stupid. This is about money. But there’s something else here besides just money.
NATALIE
I know. You don’t have to tell me that, I know it is. I don’t care about money, you know that.
BOBBY
I love you. And please, just, don’t say anything in response. I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to listen. I love you. And I know that I paid a lot of money to bring you down here with me. I could be here alone, but that would be depressing. I could be here with my wife, but that would be depressing too, and basically cost just as much in the long run. So I got you to come with me. But I also know that I’m not some schmuck with a black Amex, I’m a pretty cool guy. I’m good looking, I’m successful and powerful, I’m nice, I’m not a total asshole… What I’m saying, is, Natalie, I know what you do for a living. And it’s okay, I respect that…I mean, I’m part of it. If it wasn’t for this “New York Confidential” you and I would never have met. And I’ve never been more grateful for anything in my life. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. The thing is, I’m getting older. And I’m ready for a change in my life. I embrace who I am. I embrace the fact that you are here with me because of my money. I’m okay with that. So what I want to offer you, I mean, what I want to ask, is if you would like to make this a more permanent thing. I know you’re young, but you’re really intelligent and you have a great sense for business, I can tell. So think of it as a business proposition. You probably make a lot of money now, but honestly, Natalie, it’s not real money. It’s fake money. It’s temporary money. It’ll go away one day just because of the nature of what you’re doing. I make real money. You’re here this weekend, having the best weekend of your life, because of real money. And it’s not going anywhere. Besides that, what you’re doing with your life is dangerous. I’m not judging it, I’m just saying that if you were with me, there’s no danger there. No one could ever touch you. So, what I’m saying, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to stay. Stay with me. Not go back. We could live wherever you want. You’ll always have everything you’ve ever wanted. You can pursue acting and dancing and everything else you’ve ever wanted to do. You can have all day to pursue a real acting career. Or you can just work on your tan all day, it doesn’t matter. I just want you to be with me. Because I love you.
NATALIE
What about your wife, Bobby?
BOBBY
I’m ready for a change. We’re not gonna last anyway. She married me for my money, fine, but I was stupid back then. I thought it was different. I’m smart now. Now I know the shot, I can operate here…I want you to be my wife. She’s gone. We’ll never have to deal with her again except for a little check I send her every month. It’ll just be you and me.
NATALIE
Bobby, I can’t just pick up and leave my life. I like my life.
BOBBY
So you keep what you want to keep and you throw away everything else. I’m not gonna try to control you, baby, I just want you to be with me. I want things to be like this all the time. Look around Natalie, this is the dream right here. This is paradise.
NATALIE
Bobby, listen to me. Everything you said is true. You are a great guy. You’re not a schmuck. You’re wonderful and beautiful and everything. I’m not lying to you about how I feel. This is real, between you and me. It’s real. But there are certain things that make it impossible for this to be any more permanent than it is.
BOBBY
So you’re turning down my offer?
NATALIE
Bobby, we shouldn’t even be talking like this. It’s gonna ruin our whole vacation.
BOBBY
It won’t. I promise. After we talk about this, I’ll never bring it up again. It’ll be fine. We’re still gonna have fun. But I had to bring it up.
NATALIE
I understand.
BOBBY
So…what’s your answer?
NATALIE
Bobby, I’m an actor. I give people moments. Moments are what makes life worth living. Come here, baby.
(HE goes to her, SHE kisses him.)
I really do love you.
(SHE exits to go to the beach.)
Grandma Fuckin': A Christmas Story
© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell
Grandma Fuckin’: A Christmas Story
(The sidewalk in front of the entrance to the mall in Wilmington, North Carolina. JASON and MARIBETH, both carrying shopping bags full of presents, enter and stand facing the parking lot.)
MARIBETH. G-3. Or something like that.
JASON. You said you’d remember.
MARIBETH. Was it G-3?
JASON. I don’t know. I neglected to remember myself, because—
MARIBETH. It was G-3 or B-3. Why don’t we just walk and see what looks familiar.
JASON. No way. I’m not doing that. Nothing’s gonna look familiar, it’s just a buncha cars.
MARIBETH. I’ll know it when I see it.
JASON. When you see what? Our car? Well, of course you’ll know…
MARIBETH. Come on, let’s be adventurous. I’m on vacation. I’ve never been to the south before. I wanna do a little exploring.
JASON. In the mall parking lot?
MARIBETH. Yeah. I wanna see how the people live. How they do things down here.
JASON. Or just…what kind of cars they drive.
MARIBETH. It was like, G-3. Something that rhymes with G and then 3. I remember it rhymed.
JASON. G. B. C. E. P. There’s an endless list.
MARIBETH. It’s not actually endless.
JASON. Hyperbolizing. Point is, without knowing exactly what letter our car is in, we’re screwed.
MARIBETH. Well, we know it’s not L.
JASON. Okay. Great. We can eliminate L. I’m sitting down.
MARIBETH. Okay, but keep trying to remember the letter.
JASON. I never actually committed it to memory, so…
MARIBETH. I remembered the number.
JASON. You said you’d remember both.
MARIBETH. I know what I said. I’m sitting down too. Did we get everything?
JASON. Yeah. I’m not crazy about Grandma’s present, though.
MARIBETH. It’s fine, honey. She won’t care what it is anyway.
JASON. I know. That’s why it would be nice to surprise her with something she actually wants.
MARIBETH. She said she doesn’t want anything.
JASON. That would be the surprise. She wouldn’t know she wanted it until I gave it to her. But she’s eighty-five years-old, she doesn’t need anything. At this point, she’s thought of everything already.
MARIBETH. We got her a book, Jason. She likes to read. It’ll be fine.
JASON. I know. It’s just that Grandma’s all we have left, you know? We used to have this big family and then they all died. She’s the glue that holds everything together. And I wish I could tell her how much I love her but how do you do that? How do you say, “Grandma, I love you.”? And how does she know you actually mean it? I mean, do you know how great it is that you and my Grandma get along? It really means a lot to me, Maribeth.
MARIBETH. Was it D-3? Does that sound right?
JASON. Honey. I’m having a moment here about my Grandma.
MARIBETH. E-3. Okay. Wait, hold on. Let me just… “Jason, don’t worry, I’ll remember it. It’s…mmmrrrbbbdddgggg…vvvuuuhhh…3…” I have no clue. Let’s just walk around until we find it.
JASON. Honey, you’re not listening to me. I’m trying to tell you I love my Grandma.
MARIBETH. B-3. C-3. D-3. E-3. G-3. P-3.
JASON. Maribeth. I love my Grandmother!
MARIBETH. T-3. V-3! It was V-3!
JASON. Can you hear me?! I love my Grandma!
MARIBETH. I know! I’m trying to avoid the subject!
JASON. What do you mean?
MARIBETH. Let’s not talk about it. Let’s find our car.
JASON. No, wait, honey. What do you mean?
MARIBETH. Is there a V-3? Cause if there is a V-3, I think our car is parked in V-3.
JASON. Do you…not like my Grandma?
MARIBETH. Jason, that’s not it.
JASON. No, Maribeth, this is a big problem because my Grandma is very, very important to me. And she likes you. She loves you. She’s ready to take you into her family. I can tell. So if you have a problem with Grandma…
MARIBETH. I don’t, Jason, I love your Grandma. Let’s forget it, okay? It’s nothing.
JASON. I’m not leaving until we talk about this. Whatever it is. No matter what it is, we need to talk about this. If we’re gonna get married, we need to talk about everything. So why are you avoiding the subject of my Grandma? Whom I love very much.
MARIBETH. Because, Jason…I have reason to believe…that you want to have sex with…I don’t know…maybe your Grandma. Or someone else’s grandma. I mean, a grandma…I’m not sure. I’m confused.
JASON. Yeah, me too. What the hell are you talking about?
MARIBETH. Grandma fuckin’.
JASON. I’m sorry?
MARIBETH. This morning, on the plane flying down here, I saw it, Jason. Grandma fuckin’. Grandmafuckin.com.
JASON. A website?
MARIBETH. I wasn’t going through your files or anything. I was just using your computer. And I was typing in an address that started with “g, r…” and you know how it gives you a list of options of previously visited websites?
JASON. Okay. Look. First of all…all right. Yes. There was that web address in my computer.
MARIBETH. I knew it was all too perfect. I knew you had to have some weird fetish or something. Something I could never fulfill. At least not until I’m sixty-five. You couldn’t wanna watch a girl pee, huh? It has to be grandma fuckin’?
JASON. It’s not like that, Maribeth. Let me explain. I’m not a grandma fucker. Nor do I ever want to be. I mean, until I’m old too, I guess. Even then I’ll still probably want to fuck a twenty-one year old…
MARIBETH. Are you explaining something right now?
JASON. Yes, okay. I went to that website. I admit that.
MARIBETH. Great. Jason, I try, you know? I try to provide you with whatever you need sexually. Because I read Dan Savage in the Village Voice and I know that if I don’t satisfy all your fetishes and things, then you’ll find someone else who will. But Jason, I’m only twenty-five. What can I do? Put on a white curly wig and old age makeup?
JASON. I don’t want you to be a grandma, honey. Look, I was looking at internet porn. Which is perfectly normal. And I was looking at, you know, older women, MILF’s, Mrs. Robinson’s.
MARIBETH. Mrs. Robinson was in her forties. Your Grandma is eighty-five.
JASON. It’s not about my…ugh. Really, Maribeth, don’t mention my particular grandma right now, okay?
MARIBETH. So it’s just other peoples’ grandma. Like the ones on grandmafuckin.com. They’re fair game. Jason, I’m willing to be sexually adventurous but a threesome with Bea Arthur is out of the question.
JASON. I was looking at middle-aged women. Still under fifty, okay? It was a perfectly normal fantasy of the next door neighbor, or my Mom’s friend, or the lady who cleans my teeth at the dentist. And I was going to different websites all linked up to each other. So I ended up on grandmafuckin.com but I was looking at it the same way you were looking at it. Like it was disgusting. I wasn’t getting off on it. I thought it was crazy. And funny. It was so sick it was funny. Honey, seriously, look at me. I’m not a grandma fucker.
MARIBETH. And your love for your Grandma is…
JASON. Strictly, like, a normal family love. It’s nothing weird, I promise.
MARIBETH. You promise?
JASON. Yes. Listen, baby, I know what this is. You’re just nervous about getting married. You’re scared that there’s something you don’t know about me and you’re gonna find out too late. But we’re gonna be fine, don’t worry. Okay?
MARIBETH. Okay.
JASON. Now let’s find our car. You said we parked it in V-3?
MARIBETH. Either V or T. Or D. I think.
JASON. We’ll find it. Let’s just walk around. We got all the time in the world.
MARIBETH. Jason, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion.
JASON. It’s all right. You know, it’s the internet, it’s a crazy place, dangerous and scary. But I’m not. You should just ask me straight up next time.
MARIBETH. I know. I’m sorry.
JASON. It’s cool. Wanna try V-3 first?
MARIBETH. Jason, wait. Just to avoid another conversation like this in the future, after I saw “grandma fuckin’” I decided to see if there was a…counterpart.
JASON. What are you saying?
MARIBETH. I went to grandpafuckin.com.
JASON. Really? And I assume it was disgusting and funny and sick and deplorable…and…right?
MARIBETH. Actually, I kinda liked it.
JASON. Well, good thing my Grandpa’s dead, huh?
MARIBETH. I’m serious, honey. I wanna fuck a very, very old man.
JASON. I think we should go look for the car. You’re a dirty grandpa fucker.
MARIBETH. I think I am. Jason, would you mind hunching over a little bit?
JASON. V-3, you said…
MARIBETH. Come on, humor me.
(THEY exit.)
Grandma Fuckin’: A Christmas Story
(The sidewalk in front of the entrance to the mall in Wilmington, North Carolina. JASON and MARIBETH, both carrying shopping bags full of presents, enter and stand facing the parking lot.)
MARIBETH. G-3. Or something like that.
JASON. You said you’d remember.
MARIBETH. Was it G-3?
JASON. I don’t know. I neglected to remember myself, because—
MARIBETH. It was G-3 or B-3. Why don’t we just walk and see what looks familiar.
JASON. No way. I’m not doing that. Nothing’s gonna look familiar, it’s just a buncha cars.
MARIBETH. I’ll know it when I see it.
JASON. When you see what? Our car? Well, of course you’ll know…
MARIBETH. Come on, let’s be adventurous. I’m on vacation. I’ve never been to the south before. I wanna do a little exploring.
JASON. In the mall parking lot?
MARIBETH. Yeah. I wanna see how the people live. How they do things down here.
JASON. Or just…what kind of cars they drive.
MARIBETH. It was like, G-3. Something that rhymes with G and then 3. I remember it rhymed.
JASON. G. B. C. E. P. There’s an endless list.
MARIBETH. It’s not actually endless.
JASON. Hyperbolizing. Point is, without knowing exactly what letter our car is in, we’re screwed.
MARIBETH. Well, we know it’s not L.
JASON. Okay. Great. We can eliminate L. I’m sitting down.
MARIBETH. Okay, but keep trying to remember the letter.
JASON. I never actually committed it to memory, so…
MARIBETH. I remembered the number.
JASON. You said you’d remember both.
MARIBETH. I know what I said. I’m sitting down too. Did we get everything?
JASON. Yeah. I’m not crazy about Grandma’s present, though.
MARIBETH. It’s fine, honey. She won’t care what it is anyway.
JASON. I know. That’s why it would be nice to surprise her with something she actually wants.
MARIBETH. She said she doesn’t want anything.
JASON. That would be the surprise. She wouldn’t know she wanted it until I gave it to her. But she’s eighty-five years-old, she doesn’t need anything. At this point, she’s thought of everything already.
MARIBETH. We got her a book, Jason. She likes to read. It’ll be fine.
JASON. I know. It’s just that Grandma’s all we have left, you know? We used to have this big family and then they all died. She’s the glue that holds everything together. And I wish I could tell her how much I love her but how do you do that? How do you say, “Grandma, I love you.”? And how does she know you actually mean it? I mean, do you know how great it is that you and my Grandma get along? It really means a lot to me, Maribeth.
MARIBETH. Was it D-3? Does that sound right?
JASON. Honey. I’m having a moment here about my Grandma.
MARIBETH. E-3. Okay. Wait, hold on. Let me just… “Jason, don’t worry, I’ll remember it. It’s…mmmrrrbbbdddgggg…vvvuuuhhh…3…” I have no clue. Let’s just walk around until we find it.
JASON. Honey, you’re not listening to me. I’m trying to tell you I love my Grandma.
MARIBETH. B-3. C-3. D-3. E-3. G-3. P-3.
JASON. Maribeth. I love my Grandmother!
MARIBETH. T-3. V-3! It was V-3!
JASON. Can you hear me?! I love my Grandma!
MARIBETH. I know! I’m trying to avoid the subject!
JASON. What do you mean?
MARIBETH. Let’s not talk about it. Let’s find our car.
JASON. No, wait, honey. What do you mean?
MARIBETH. Is there a V-3? Cause if there is a V-3, I think our car is parked in V-3.
JASON. Do you…not like my Grandma?
MARIBETH. Jason, that’s not it.
JASON. No, Maribeth, this is a big problem because my Grandma is very, very important to me. And she likes you. She loves you. She’s ready to take you into her family. I can tell. So if you have a problem with Grandma…
MARIBETH. I don’t, Jason, I love your Grandma. Let’s forget it, okay? It’s nothing.
JASON. I’m not leaving until we talk about this. Whatever it is. No matter what it is, we need to talk about this. If we’re gonna get married, we need to talk about everything. So why are you avoiding the subject of my Grandma? Whom I love very much.
MARIBETH. Because, Jason…I have reason to believe…that you want to have sex with…I don’t know…maybe your Grandma. Or someone else’s grandma. I mean, a grandma…I’m not sure. I’m confused.
JASON. Yeah, me too. What the hell are you talking about?
MARIBETH. Grandma fuckin’.
JASON. I’m sorry?
MARIBETH. This morning, on the plane flying down here, I saw it, Jason. Grandma fuckin’. Grandmafuckin.com.
JASON. A website?
MARIBETH. I wasn’t going through your files or anything. I was just using your computer. And I was typing in an address that started with “g, r…” and you know how it gives you a list of options of previously visited websites?
JASON. Okay. Look. First of all…all right. Yes. There was that web address in my computer.
MARIBETH. I knew it was all too perfect. I knew you had to have some weird fetish or something. Something I could never fulfill. At least not until I’m sixty-five. You couldn’t wanna watch a girl pee, huh? It has to be grandma fuckin’?
JASON. It’s not like that, Maribeth. Let me explain. I’m not a grandma fucker. Nor do I ever want to be. I mean, until I’m old too, I guess. Even then I’ll still probably want to fuck a twenty-one year old…
MARIBETH. Are you explaining something right now?
JASON. Yes, okay. I went to that website. I admit that.
MARIBETH. Great. Jason, I try, you know? I try to provide you with whatever you need sexually. Because I read Dan Savage in the Village Voice and I know that if I don’t satisfy all your fetishes and things, then you’ll find someone else who will. But Jason, I’m only twenty-five. What can I do? Put on a white curly wig and old age makeup?
JASON. I don’t want you to be a grandma, honey. Look, I was looking at internet porn. Which is perfectly normal. And I was looking at, you know, older women, MILF’s, Mrs. Robinson’s.
MARIBETH. Mrs. Robinson was in her forties. Your Grandma is eighty-five.
JASON. It’s not about my…ugh. Really, Maribeth, don’t mention my particular grandma right now, okay?
MARIBETH. So it’s just other peoples’ grandma. Like the ones on grandmafuckin.com. They’re fair game. Jason, I’m willing to be sexually adventurous but a threesome with Bea Arthur is out of the question.
JASON. I was looking at middle-aged women. Still under fifty, okay? It was a perfectly normal fantasy of the next door neighbor, or my Mom’s friend, or the lady who cleans my teeth at the dentist. And I was going to different websites all linked up to each other. So I ended up on grandmafuckin.com but I was looking at it the same way you were looking at it. Like it was disgusting. I wasn’t getting off on it. I thought it was crazy. And funny. It was so sick it was funny. Honey, seriously, look at me. I’m not a grandma fucker.
MARIBETH. And your love for your Grandma is…
JASON. Strictly, like, a normal family love. It’s nothing weird, I promise.
MARIBETH. You promise?
JASON. Yes. Listen, baby, I know what this is. You’re just nervous about getting married. You’re scared that there’s something you don’t know about me and you’re gonna find out too late. But we’re gonna be fine, don’t worry. Okay?
MARIBETH. Okay.
JASON. Now let’s find our car. You said we parked it in V-3?
MARIBETH. Either V or T. Or D. I think.
JASON. We’ll find it. Let’s just walk around. We got all the time in the world.
MARIBETH. Jason, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion.
JASON. It’s all right. You know, it’s the internet, it’s a crazy place, dangerous and scary. But I’m not. You should just ask me straight up next time.
MARIBETH. I know. I’m sorry.
JASON. It’s cool. Wanna try V-3 first?
MARIBETH. Jason, wait. Just to avoid another conversation like this in the future, after I saw “grandma fuckin’” I decided to see if there was a…counterpart.
JASON. What are you saying?
MARIBETH. I went to grandpafuckin.com.
JASON. Really? And I assume it was disgusting and funny and sick and deplorable…and…right?
MARIBETH. Actually, I kinda liked it.
JASON. Well, good thing my Grandpa’s dead, huh?
MARIBETH. I’m serious, honey. I wanna fuck a very, very old man.
JASON. I think we should go look for the car. You’re a dirty grandpa fucker.
MARIBETH. I think I am. Jason, would you mind hunching over a little bit?
JASON. V-3, you said…
MARIBETH. Come on, humor me.
(THEY exit.)
Saturday, January 21, 2006
The Amanda Situation
© Oct-06-2005 by Michael J. Ferrell
DAVID
Well, what’s the point? If it’s all just gonna end up being my fault anyway.
DAN
But what if it is your fault?
DAVID
DAN
Look, David, I’m sorry. I never tried to get anyone to hate you. And the Amanda thing, I just didn’t have your perspective on it, so obviously I was feeling a little, well, like you did something to me.
DAVID
I didn’t.
DAN
I know.
DAVID
It’s just what happened.
DAN
I know that now. Okay?
DAVID
All right. Well. So what are you saying?
DAN
I’m saying, David, that I’m sorry for all this. I never meant for anything to get to this point. I just wanted us to hang out again.
DAVID
I know, Dan. So did I. Hey, you know what—I still do. I mean, this is stupid. This is for chicks, right?
DAN
Yeah. This is chick stuff.
DAVID
I mean, come on. Are we good here?
DAN
We’re good.
DAVID
Come on. We gotta hug now. Hey, I don’t like it anymore than you do.
(THEY hug.)
DAN
I’m sorry, David.
DAVID
I know, hey, it’s cool. Let’s just fucking forget about it.
DAN
Yeah, okay, good. I’m sorry though. You want another cup of coffee or anything?
DAVID
Nah, I gotta get going, Amanda and I are going to see a movie.
DAN
Oh, okay.
DAVID
But listen, let’s hang out tomorrow. Fuck it, I can move some things around. For you.
DAN
Yeah.
DAVID
Tomorrow night we’ll go drinking. We’ll get Jimmy, we can sit on opposite sides of him and talk about that whore that he used to go out with.
DAN
Yeah, all right, sounds like fun.
DAVID
I’ll catch you later brother.
(DAVID takes out his cell phone and starts to make a call. DAN sits. Blackout.)
The Amanda Situation.
(An empty café except for DAN, who is seated, and DAVID, who is standing up, pacing, looking out the window. DAN watches DAVID nervously.)
DAVID
Look, Dan. I’ll be honest. This is just the way it goes with me. You may not be used to it, but I am.
DAN
You mean, this is a recurring theme in your life?
DAVID
(An empty café except for DAN, who is seated, and DAVID, who is standing up, pacing, looking out the window. DAN watches DAVID nervously.)
DAVID
Look, Dan. I’ll be honest. This is just the way it goes with me. You may not be used to it, but I am.
DAN
You mean, this is a recurring theme in your life?
DAVID
Exactly. I, David, am not very good at keeping friends for a long time. Guy friends, especially. The reason…oh, well, the reason changes slightly with every lost friend. Do I see the common link here? Yes. Should I take responsibility for being the one who is usually to blame for the demise of the friendship? Probably. I suppose I should take the fall. Why not?
DAN
I’m not asking you to take the fall.
DAVID
Right, but why not? Someone should. I’ve got nothing to lose here.
DAN
Take the fall according to whom? Our mutual friends, you mean?
DAVID
DAN
I’m not asking you to take the fall.
DAVID
Right, but why not? Someone should. I’ve got nothing to lose here.
DAN
Take the fall according to whom? Our mutual friends, you mean?
DAVID
Precisely, yes. Our mutual friends. We run in a pretty small social circle here. What do they say I did? I mean, you’re the one who talks to them, not me. I’ve been off with my new girl. Doing nothing but working, lying in bed, getting high, making love to my new girl… You’ve been the one talking to everyone. What do they say? Or better yet, what do you tell them? Because that’s probably what they say, whatever you tell them. It is clearly my fault here, because yours is the only perspective they have. So, fine, I say. So be it. I will be the scapegoat.
DAN
I think you’re overreacting. I don’t think anyone’s looking for a scapegoat.
DAVID
That’s easy for you to say, they’re all on your side.
DAN
Nobody’s on anybody’s side, David. I would never ask anyone to choose sides. I mean, yes, there are certain people I talk to…
DAVID
Right, those people, those people that you talk to. They know why I am the bad guy here, they could tell you why. But they probably have no perspective on why you are also, in fact, the bad guy.
DAN
Tell me. I mean, honestly, I’m not so sure why I am the bad guy. In this situation. I don’t know if I’m clear on that. Because you and I, we’ve never talked about it. So tell me, why am I the bad guy in this situation?
DAVID
That would be easy, wouldn’t it? If it were that simple. We air grievances, trade insults, accusations? Because if that’s it, if that’s what you want to do, hammer it out, then I’m sorry but I have no interest in that. That is boring to me. It’s useless. I lose friends. And I’m sorry that you were involved in the most recent example of that recurring theme, but you were. So now you have to deal with it, just like I have to deal with it eternally.
DAN
Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic here, David?
DAVID
Aye. Perhaps I am. But it is my way, after all.
DAN
Then why did you come here?
DAVID
They have wonderful espresso drinks.
DAN
If you didn’t want to talk about the fact that we are not currently friends, then why are you here?
DAVID
DAN
I think you’re overreacting. I don’t think anyone’s looking for a scapegoat.
DAVID
That’s easy for you to say, they’re all on your side.
DAN
Nobody’s on anybody’s side, David. I would never ask anyone to choose sides. I mean, yes, there are certain people I talk to…
DAVID
Right, those people, those people that you talk to. They know why I am the bad guy here, they could tell you why. But they probably have no perspective on why you are also, in fact, the bad guy.
DAN
Tell me. I mean, honestly, I’m not so sure why I am the bad guy. In this situation. I don’t know if I’m clear on that. Because you and I, we’ve never talked about it. So tell me, why am I the bad guy in this situation?
DAVID
That would be easy, wouldn’t it? If it were that simple. We air grievances, trade insults, accusations? Because if that’s it, if that’s what you want to do, hammer it out, then I’m sorry but I have no interest in that. That is boring to me. It’s useless. I lose friends. And I’m sorry that you were involved in the most recent example of that recurring theme, but you were. So now you have to deal with it, just like I have to deal with it eternally.
DAN
Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic here, David?
DAVID
Aye. Perhaps I am. But it is my way, after all.
DAN
Then why did you come here?
DAVID
They have wonderful espresso drinks.
DAN
If you didn’t want to talk about the fact that we are not currently friends, then why are you here?
DAVID
I thought maybe we could divide things up.
DAN
What—like a divorce?
DAVID
Yeah, you know, who gets what.
DAN
David, we don’t have anything.
DAVID
Jimmy.
DAN
Are we gonna divide up Jimmy?
DAVID
DAN
What—like a divorce?
DAVID
Yeah, you know, who gets what.
DAN
David, we don’t have anything.
DAVID
Jimmy.
DAN
Are we gonna divide up Jimmy?
DAVID
I think we should. I don’t wanna lose Jimmy.
DAN
David, Jimmy is your friend. You’re not gonna lose Jimmy.
DAVID
Oh, eventually I will, I lose all my friends, actually, as I was explaining. But right now, Jimmy and I are still friends, I would rather not lose him completely.
DAN
Jimmy is going through a huge breakup with his girlfriend of like five years. Jimmy is drinking twenty hours a day and sleeping four. I don’t think he’s looking for a scapegoat as it pertains to the estranged friendship of you and me. Jimmy is in a bad way, trust me.
DAVID
That’s why I need to be allotted some time with him. He needs me. I can go to a bar with Jimmy and listen to him go on and on about that whore he dated for so long. I earn that, as a friend. I earn the right to listen and to agree and to say, “Yeah, fuck that bitch. She was a dumb slut and you never should have dated her for so long.” You shouldn’t get all of that, I want some of it. Let’s figure out our work schedules, see if we can figure something out.
DAN
David, no. I’m not gonna do that, that’s ridiculous. We’re not parents going through a divorce, we are friends.
DAVID
DAN
David, Jimmy is your friend. You’re not gonna lose Jimmy.
DAVID
Oh, eventually I will, I lose all my friends, actually, as I was explaining. But right now, Jimmy and I are still friends, I would rather not lose him completely.
DAN
Jimmy is going through a huge breakup with his girlfriend of like five years. Jimmy is drinking twenty hours a day and sleeping four. I don’t think he’s looking for a scapegoat as it pertains to the estranged friendship of you and me. Jimmy is in a bad way, trust me.
DAVID
That’s why I need to be allotted some time with him. He needs me. I can go to a bar with Jimmy and listen to him go on and on about that whore he dated for so long. I earn that, as a friend. I earn the right to listen and to agree and to say, “Yeah, fuck that bitch. She was a dumb slut and you never should have dated her for so long.” You shouldn’t get all of that, I want some of it. Let’s figure out our work schedules, see if we can figure something out.
DAN
David, no. I’m not gonna do that, that’s ridiculous. We’re not parents going through a divorce, we are friends.
DAVID
We used to be friends.
DAN
Come on. Really? That’s it.
DAVID
I didn’t come here to patch things up, Dan.
DAN
And that’s it. You don’t want to talk about what happened?
DAN
Come on. Really? That’s it.
DAVID
I didn’t come here to patch things up, Dan.
DAN
And that’s it. You don’t want to talk about what happened?
DAVID
Well, what’s the point? If it’s all just gonna end up being my fault anyway.
DAN
But what if it is your fault?
DAVID
Are you saying it’s my fault?
DAN
No. I’m saying, what if, in one of these situations, where you lose your best friend, what if it is your fault and you know it’s your fault? Do you apologize and be a man about it? Or do you just let it go and figure, “Well, that’s the way it happens. That’s just my fate. It’s a recurring theme.”
DAVID
You’re at least, at the very least, insinuating that it’s my fault. And why is that, Dan? Because it actually is my fault? Or because you need to justify all the shit you’ve been talking behind my back to our mutual friends? So you can cleanse your soul of the muck and the dirt that you feel creeping up inside you after you have taken the friendship that we had and tarnished it by making me the fucking scapegoat here?
DAN
I couldn’t really talk to you about it, could I?
DAVID
DAN
No. I’m saying, what if, in one of these situations, where you lose your best friend, what if it is your fault and you know it’s your fault? Do you apologize and be a man about it? Or do you just let it go and figure, “Well, that’s the way it happens. That’s just my fate. It’s a recurring theme.”
DAVID
You’re at least, at the very least, insinuating that it’s my fault. And why is that, Dan? Because it actually is my fault? Or because you need to justify all the shit you’ve been talking behind my back to our mutual friends? So you can cleanse your soul of the muck and the dirt that you feel creeping up inside you after you have taken the friendship that we had and tarnished it by making me the fucking scapegoat here?
DAN
I couldn’t really talk to you about it, could I?
DAVID
Maybe you could have. That’s what girls do, isn’t it? Talk to each other, deal with their problems? Isn’t that the way girls do it?
DAN
I don’t know. I’m not a girl. Are you saying that this is my fault?
DAVID
DAN
I don’t know. I’m not a girl. Are you saying that this is my fault?
DAVID
Don’t turn this around. You don’t get to be the scapegoat here. You don’t get to play both roles. You don’t get to run to all of our friends, tell them what a dick I’ve been, give them one perspective on the whole situation, and then meet me at some empty café and claim the role of the scapegoat. I’m the scapegoat, I’m the bad guy. You don’t get everything. And you don’t get Jimmy. We share Jimmy.
DAN
You are one paranoid mother fucker.
DAVID
DAN
You are one paranoid mother fucker.
DAVID
Maybe. But that’s just because it’s happened before. The good guy is always the most manipulative, Dan. It’s the truth. All the good guys, He-Man, G.I. Joe, Superman, your mommy and daddy, America, God, whoever, they are always manipulative. Putting themselves in a situation where they are the good guy no matter what happens.
DAN
All right, so, yes, I’ll take some blame for what happened. I’m not the good guy here.
DAVID
DAN
All right, so, yes, I’ll take some blame for what happened. I’m not the good guy here.
DAVID
Oh man. You really know how play this angle, don’t you? That is such a fucking noble quality, Dan. That’s great. You are a great guy. I don’t see how you ever spent so much time with me, when I don’t even care, I don’t even want to work things out. Poor good guy. Everyone will definitely be on your side now.
DAN
I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not doing this for anyone but me and you. You and I are not friends right now, we’re not hanging out, and I miss hanging out with you. I wanna work things out.
DAVID
Okay, fine. But you have to stop being so proud of that.
DAN
Of what?
DAVID
Of wanting to work things out. To talk about it. Like a girl. You might win points with girls when you tell them that you were the one who wanted to meet up for coffee and talk about it and work it out, but it doesn’t win any points with me. I don’t think you’re any better for being the one to call and schedule this little meeting. Because I’m here too.
DAN
You said you didn’t come here to work anything out.
DAVID
DAN
I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not doing this for anyone but me and you. You and I are not friends right now, we’re not hanging out, and I miss hanging out with you. I wanna work things out.
DAVID
Okay, fine. But you have to stop being so proud of that.
DAN
Of what?
DAVID
Of wanting to work things out. To talk about it. Like a girl. You might win points with girls when you tell them that you were the one who wanted to meet up for coffee and talk about it and work it out, but it doesn’t win any points with me. I don’t think you’re any better for being the one to call and schedule this little meeting. Because I’m here too.
DAN
You said you didn’t come here to work anything out.
DAVID
I came so that I could get a weekend or two with Jimmy. But since we’re here we can talk about it. But stop wearing your fucking good guy badge because no one cares. If it’s that important to you, go run and tell some chick when we’re finished. Then go to church and feed the homeless. I don’t give a shit. What is this about?
DAN
It’s about me and you.
DAVID
Right, we are not currently friends. Why?
DAN
Well, I guess basically it started with Amanda.
DAVID
Amanda.
DAN
Yes. I think we can safely trace this whole thing back to the Amanda situation.
DAVID
The Amanda situation. My new girlfriend is now a situation.
DAN
I’m just saying that before she became your girlfriend, she was a situation. A situation that involved me.
DAVID
Okay, so, you’re accusing me of…
DAN
Well, what do you think? From your perspective, what happened with the Amanda “_______”?
DAVID
You mean, do I think I did anything wrong? Do I think I am guilty of foul play in the Amanda “_______”?
DAN
I just want to know how you look at it. I only know how I look at it.
DAVID
Which is that I, in fact, am guilty of stealing Amanda away from you. Am I right?
DAN
I’m not saying that.
DAVID
But you’re insinuating that.
DAN
Look, I’m just saying that maybe you pursued a girl that I had feelings for. That’s all. I’m asking for your perspective. What happened between you and Amanda? After I went out with her. After you knew how I felt about her. What happened?
DAVID
The same thing that happened between me and you, Dan. Except the opposite.
DAN
What?
DAVID
DAN
It’s about me and you.
DAVID
Right, we are not currently friends. Why?
DAN
Well, I guess basically it started with Amanda.
DAVID
Amanda.
DAN
Yes. I think we can safely trace this whole thing back to the Amanda situation.
DAVID
The Amanda situation. My new girlfriend is now a situation.
DAN
I’m just saying that before she became your girlfriend, she was a situation. A situation that involved me.
DAVID
Okay, so, you’re accusing me of…
DAN
Well, what do you think? From your perspective, what happened with the Amanda “_______”?
DAVID
You mean, do I think I did anything wrong? Do I think I am guilty of foul play in the Amanda “_______”?
DAN
I just want to know how you look at it. I only know how I look at it.
DAVID
Which is that I, in fact, am guilty of stealing Amanda away from you. Am I right?
DAN
I’m not saying that.
DAVID
But you’re insinuating that.
DAN
Look, I’m just saying that maybe you pursued a girl that I had feelings for. That’s all. I’m asking for your perspective. What happened between you and Amanda? After I went out with her. After you knew how I felt about her. What happened?
DAVID
The same thing that happened between me and you, Dan. Except the opposite.
DAN
What?
DAVID
Fate. We came together, Amanda and me. And you and I separated. There are no bad guys and good guys. That’s all a myth created in childhood by school or church or something. Amanda and I just happened. I knew that I would have to sacrifice some things in order to make it work.
DAN
So you sacrificed me?
DAVID
DAN
So you sacrificed me?
DAVID
No, I didn’t sacrifice you, Dan. I gave you opportunity. I gave you the opportunity to be the morally upright, noble martyr that you were dying to be. But the thing is, Dan, I’m not a girl, I don’t think like a girl, so I’m not gonna feel sorry for you and I’m not gonna be impressed by your good guy bullshit. You’ve been manipulating this whole situation, you’ve been destroying things for me, going around making me the bad guy, to the point where I can’t even tell Jimmy that he did the right thing by dumping that slut.
DAN
I didn’t… That’s not what I ever meant to do, David. It’s just that Amanda was, you know, kinda my thing, and…
DAVID
And you think that somehow I made her become my thing instead. Well, unfortunately for you and all the other victims out there, the boyfriends, the husbands, women don’t get stolen. Women are much smarter than men. To think that we have the control is a fantasy. Men are too stupid to choose to do anything like that. Men just go with the flow. Like I’ve been doing with you. While you’ve been going around making everyone we know hate me, I’ve been taking it like a man. And by that I mean stupidly. But at least I’m not the one being manipulative. DAN
I didn’t… That’s not what I ever meant to do, David. It’s just that Amanda was, you know, kinda my thing, and…
DAVID
DAN
Look, David, I’m sorry. I never tried to get anyone to hate you. And the Amanda thing, I just didn’t have your perspective on it, so obviously I was feeling a little, well, like you did something to me.
DAVID
I didn’t.
DAN
I know.
DAVID
It’s just what happened.
DAN
I know that now. Okay?
DAVID
All right. Well. So what are you saying?
DAN
I’m saying, David, that I’m sorry for all this. I never meant for anything to get to this point. I just wanted us to hang out again.
DAVID
I know, Dan. So did I. Hey, you know what—I still do. I mean, this is stupid. This is for chicks, right?
DAN
Yeah. This is chick stuff.
DAVID
I mean, come on. Are we good here?
DAN
We’re good.
DAVID
Come on. We gotta hug now. Hey, I don’t like it anymore than you do.
(THEY hug.)
DAN
I’m sorry, David.
DAVID
I know, hey, it’s cool. Let’s just fucking forget about it.
DAN
Yeah, okay, good. I’m sorry though. You want another cup of coffee or anything?
DAVID
Nah, I gotta get going, Amanda and I are going to see a movie.
DAN
Oh, okay.
DAVID
But listen, let’s hang out tomorrow. Fuck it, I can move some things around. For you.
DAN
Yeah.
DAVID
Tomorrow night we’ll go drinking. We’ll get Jimmy, we can sit on opposite sides of him and talk about that whore that he used to go out with.
DAN
Yeah, all right, sounds like fun.
DAVID
I’ll catch you later brother.
(DAVID takes out his cell phone and starts to make a call. DAN sits. Blackout.)
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