The Brothers Moron

© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell

The Brothers Moron.

(Three brothers, MITCH, WAYNE, and BILLY are staring at a television that is directly downstage, in the audience. MITCH has a remote control in his hand.)

BILLY
Dag. That’s definitely him.

MITCH
Course it’s him, Billy. That’s why we’re here. You think I’d a came here if it wudn’t him?

BILLY
No, yeah, I know, but dag. That’s Daddy on that video. And he’s robbin’ a bank.

WAYNE
He’s a fugitive. So what are we gon’ do about it?

MITCH
The hell you mean? We’re gon’ do the only thing we can. We’re gon’ do what he raised us to do. The right thing.

BILLY
How did he even know how to rob a bank?

WAYNE
What do you mean how? It’s easy. You just go in and say “gimme the daggone money.”

BILLY
Yeah, but there’s probably gotta be some kinda method to it, you know? So you don’t get caught.

MITCH
What are you—a freaking idiot? He did get caught. We’re watchin’ the daggum tape right now.

BILLY
He might still get away with it though.

MITCH
He ain’t gonna get away with nuthin’ cause we’re turnin’ him in. That’s what this is about.

WAYNE
Why would Daddy rob a bank?

BILLY
I bet it was for the money.

WAYNE
Yeah, probably.

MITCH
Ya’ll er both freakin’ idiots. Look, let’s not make this last any longer ‘n it has to. Let’s go down to the police station on Hunter Road—

BILLY
Oooohh…wait a minute.

WAYNE
Anything to avoid spend time with yer little brothers, huh?

MITCH
What? That ain’t got nuthin’ to do with anything.

BILLY
I ain’t going to the police station on Hunter Road.

MITCH
Yeah ya are. We’re doing this together, as brothers.

BILLY
It’s just that last time I was down there they told me they better not see my face again.

MITCH
Why the heck were you there?

BILLY
It was nuthin’. I just got busted smokin’ a little pot.

WAYNE
Tell him the rest.

BILLY
What rest?

WAYNE
Who you got busted smoking pot with.

BILLY
Oh.

MITCH
Who?

BILLY
Daddy.

MITCH
Billy, you dumbass.

WAYNE
That’s probably why he felt like he had to rob that daggum bank.

MITCH
Why—money for drugs?

BILLY
I’ve got some weed if he needed weed. It’s schwag, but it ain’t worth robbin’ a bank just for good pot.

MITCH
Can we just go down to the station and turn him in? They’re not gonna do nuthin’ to you, Billy, you ain’t doin’ nuthin’ wrong.

WAYNE
He just said he had weed.

MITCH
Well don’t bring the freaking weed with you then. Damn. Mo-rons on my team.

WAYNE
You ain’t gotta talk down to us. You ain’t gotta be self-righteous. You know, you ain’t perfect, Mitch, just cause you got a job and a wife and a dog.

BILLY
I didn’t know you had a dog.

WAYNE
He just got him. Pure breed too.

BILLY
No joke? Can I play with him?

MITCH
Yeah, sure, Billy, you can play with him maybe right after we turn our Daddy in for robbin’ a bank!

WAYNE
Are we positive we’re turnin’ him in? I mean, can’t we talk about it a little? He’s our Daddy.

BILLY
Yeah, Mitch. It’d be real weird to see Daddy behind bars.

WAYNE
We should at least talk about it. Maybe Daddy was justified in what he did.

MITCH
He robbed the freakin’ First Federal Bank, Wayne.

WAYNE
I’m just sayin’—we don’t know all the facts. Maybe the bank deserved to be robbed.

BILLY
Ooh—you mean like a corrupt bank? Maybe the bank was stealin’ money from all the regular people and Daddy was like a modern day Robin Hood.

MITCH
I don’t think Robin Hood was stealin’ from the rich in order to buy a bag a’ weed for the poor.

BILLY
You never know though. He did live in a forest.

WAYNE
I bet Robin Hood got high.

MITCH
It doesn’t matter whether or not Robin Hood got high, ya’ll. What reason could we have not to turn Daddy in?

WAYNE
Well, you just gotta ask yourself one question, Mitch. What would Jesus do?

BILLY
Yeah, that’s true. Jesus hated banks and money and stuff. He might hate the First Federal Bank too.

WAYNE
Maybe Jesus would go talk to Daddy first and try to convince him that what he did was wrong and he should repent.

MITCH
Wayne, you can leave all the Christian nonsense outta this, all right?

WAYNE
Hey—it ain’t nonsense, Mitch. You grew up in the church just like us. Just cause you went to some fancy college doesn’t mean you should turn your back on the Lord and what he has to teach you.

MITCH
I went to Capeville Community College, Wayne.

WAYNE
I know it. And ever since then you’re been too good for me, too good for Billy, and too good for Jesus. And now, maybe you think you’re even too good for yer own Daddy.

MITCH
My Daddy robbed a bank. He did it by himself and he’s a criminal. We’re turnin’ him in. That’s all there is to it.

WAYNE
But what if Daddy’s not the only one to blame here?

MITCH
You see somebody else on that daggum video?

WAYNE
I’m just sayin’—Daddy needed money. What for?

BILLY
For good pot.

WAYNE
I mean how come he didn’t have any money in the first place?

BILLY
Cause he lost his job.

MITCH
Daddy lost his job? I didn’t know that.

WAYNE
Well you woulda if you came around once and awhile.

MITCH
If he needed money he coulda came to me.

WAYNE
He ain’t gonna do that. He’s your Daddy, Mitch. He’s got too much pride. That’s why he didn’t even tell you he lost his job. He didn’t want to let you down.

MITCH
So why’d he lose his job?

WAYNE
See—this is the kinda thing we should talk about. You don’t have all the information.

MITCH
Then why don’t you give it to me, Wayne?

WAYNE
I am.

MITCH
Cause I was under the impression the guys at the warehouse liked Daddy.

WAYNE
They did. Until I accidentally set the warehouse on fire a little bit.

MITCH
Dammit, Wayne. You burned down the warehouse where Daddy works?

WAYNE
Accidentally. I just came to visit Daddy on his lunch break. And…you know…

MITCH
And I know what, Wayne?

WAYNE
(Like “duh.”)
Someone had a book of matches.

MITCH
And so inevitably you burned down the freakin’ warehouse. Because someone had matches. And they must not have known that you were a stupid retard!

WAYNE
I’m not a stupid retard, I was just goofin’ around, cuttin’ up. Anyway, the point is, Daddy lost his job cause a’ me. So how’m I gonna go down to the police station and turn him in?

BILLY
Yeah, n’ he was just tryin’ to get money for good pot cause all I had was schwag. So it’s kinda my fault too.

MITCH
No it ain’t, ya’ll. Neither a’ ya’ll told Daddy to rob a bank. He did that on his own accord. And that’s against the laws of this great country. If ya ain’t comin’ with me, I’m turnin’ him in myself.

WAYNE
If you can live with yourself after turnin’ your own Daddy in to the police for robbin’ a little bank because he felt like he had to because of us, his three sons, lettin’ him down…

MITCH
Hey, I didn’t do nuthin’. Leave me outta this.

WAYNE
Oh, you didn’t do nuthin’. Yer completely innocent in all this.

MITCH
Yeah, I am.

BILLY
Or so you say. I got this one, Wayne. Allow me, if you will, to play detective here for a moment. Now, Mitch…

MITCH
What Billy?

BILLY
I’ll ask the questions. Upon graduatin’ from Capeville Community College, where exactly did you find employment?

MITCH
I’m a security guard, stupid, you know that.

BILLY
And what exactly do you “security guard?”

MITCH
The First Federal Bank, numskull, that’s how we got the daggum tape.

BILLY
Ah-ha! So, where were you yesterday afternoon when the First Federal Bank was being allegedly “robbed?”

MITCH
It was my day off. I was at home with my new dog.

BILLY
Uh-huh, uh-huh. So then I just have one question. Did you help Daddy rob the First Federal Bank?

MITCH
No.

BILLY
Uh-huh, uh-huh… Very interesting…

WAYNE
Billy, maybe you better let me handle the detective work.

BILLY
Oh, I see. Like a good cop/bad cop kinda thing.

WAYNE
Somethin’ like that.

BILLY
Kick his ass, Wayne.

MITCH
Nobody’s kickin’ anybody’s ass. When I took the job at the bank, I took an oath to uphold the law and that’s what the heck I intend to do. Now ya’ll can either come with me with that there tape or you can stay here and waste yer lives away drinkin’ that malt liquor and gas station wine.

WAYNE
See—there you go, stereotypin’ us. Lookin’ down on us from your gigantic throne. The New King of Society turnin’ his back on his whole family just cause he got a job. And a wife.

BILLY
And a dog.

WAYNE
And a freakin’ dog.

MITCH
I didn’t come here to look down on anyone, Wayne. I came here because our Daddy robbed a bank and we gotta go turn him in.

WAYNE
Well, if it took Daddy robbin’ that bank to make us see the division between us here, then I’m glad he robbed the bank. I hope he robs it again.

BILLY
Well, now that’s unlikely.

WAYNE
I’m just makin’ a point.

MITCH
Which is what, exactly?

WAYNE
“Which is what, exactly?” Listen to that college boy language.

BILLY
(In his best British accent.)
“Which is what, exactly?”

WAYNE
My point is maybe Daddy was tryin’ to send you a message by robbin’ the bank where you work as a security guard.

BILLY
(Still British.)
“Which is what, exactly?”

WAYNE
That maybe you’ve been neglecting what’s really important here. Family. Brotherhood. Daddy’s givin’ you a test. Can’t you see that? And you’re about to fail.

MITCH
So Daddy robbed the bank where I’m a security guard in order to test me?

WAYNE
That’s exactly what he did.

MITCH
To get me to spend time with you jackasses?

WAYNE
Exactly.

MITCH
So why couldn’t he a’ just grilled out some burgers or something?

BILLY
Cause Daddy’s like Obi-Won Kenobi. Sacrificin’ himself for the power that is yet to come.

MITCH
Well, listen, ya’ll, it ain’t that I don’t like spendin’ time around here. I just work a lot and I got this wife and this new dog…

WAYNE
Yeah, I mean, I guess I can understand that. ‘Member that girlfriend I had a while back? It was kinda the same thing.

MITCH
Yeah. Well, that was in ninth grade, but, yeah.

BILLY
Shoot, if I had a dog you wouldn’t see me as much either.

MITCH
I didn’t know ya’ll felt this strong about it.

WAYNE
We just miss you, man.

MITCH
I miss ya’ll too. I’ll come around more from now on, I promise.

BILLY
And bring the dog too. I wanna run around the yard with her.

MITCH
Sure thing, Billy. Now what do you say we go down to the police station on Hunter Road and turn Daddy in?

WAYNE
All right, fine. If you say it’s the right thing to do, I trust you. I just can’t believe we gotta turn in our own Daddy.

MITCH
It’s the right thing to do, Wayne. It’s what he wants us to do. Like Obi-Won Kenobi. We’re gonna send Daddy to prison. As brothers.

(THEY bring it in.)

BILLY
Lemme just get the weed outta my pocket first.

(Blackout.)