Grandma Fuckin': A Christmas Story

© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell

Grandma Fuckin’: A Christmas Story


(The sidewalk in front of the entrance to the mall in Wilmington, North Carolina. JASON and MARIBETH, both carrying shopping bags full of presents, enter and stand facing the parking lot.)

MARIBETH. G-3. Or something like that.

JASON. You said you’d remember.

MARIBETH. Was it G-3?

JASON. I don’t know. I neglected to remember myself, because—

MARIBETH. It was G-3 or B-3. Why don’t we just walk and see what looks familiar.

JASON. No way. I’m not doing that. Nothing’s gonna look familiar, it’s just a buncha cars.

MARIBETH. I’ll know it when I see it.

JASON. When you see what? Our car? Well, of course you’ll know…

MARIBETH. Come on, let’s be adventurous. I’m on vacation. I’ve never been to the south before. I wanna do a little exploring.

JASON. In the mall parking lot?

MARIBETH. Yeah. I wanna see how the people live. How they do things down here.

JASON. Or just…what kind of cars they drive.

MARIBETH. It was like, G-3. Something that rhymes with G and then 3. I remember it rhymed.

JASON. G. B. C. E. P. There’s an endless list.

MARIBETH. It’s not actually endless.

JASON. Hyperbolizing. Point is, without knowing exactly what letter our car is in, we’re screwed.

MARIBETH. Well, we know it’s not L.

JASON. Okay. Great. We can eliminate L. I’m sitting down.

MARIBETH. Okay, but keep trying to remember the letter.

JASON. I never actually committed it to memory, so…

MARIBETH. I remembered the number.

JASON. You said you’d remember both.

MARIBETH. I know what I said. I’m sitting down too. Did we get everything?

JASON. Yeah. I’m not crazy about Grandma’s present, though.

MARIBETH. It’s fine, honey. She won’t care what it is anyway.

JASON. I know. That’s why it would be nice to surprise her with something she actually wants.

MARIBETH. She said she doesn’t want anything.

JASON. That would be the surprise. She wouldn’t know she wanted it until I gave it to her. But she’s eighty-five years-old, she doesn’t need anything. At this point, she’s thought of everything already.

MARIBETH. We got her a book, Jason. She likes to read. It’ll be fine.

JASON. I know. It’s just that Grandma’s all we have left, you know? We used to have this big family and then they all died. She’s the glue that holds everything together. And I wish I could tell her how much I love her but how do you do that? How do you say, “Grandma, I love you.”? And how does she know you actually mean it? I mean, do you know how great it is that you and my Grandma get along? It really means a lot to me, Maribeth.

MARIBETH. Was it D-3? Does that sound right?

JASON. Honey. I’m having a moment here about my Grandma.

MARIBETH. E-3. Okay. Wait, hold on. Let me just… “Jason, don’t worry, I’ll remember it. It’s…mmmrrrbbbdddgggg…vvvuuuhhh…3…” I have no clue. Let’s just walk around until we find it.

JASON. Honey, you’re not listening to me. I’m trying to tell you I love my Grandma.

MARIBETH. B-3. C-3. D-3. E-3. G-3. P-3.

JASON. Maribeth. I love my Grandmother!

MARIBETH. T-3. V-3! It was V-3!

JASON. Can you hear me?! I love my Grandma!

MARIBETH. I know! I’m trying to avoid the subject!

JASON. What do you mean?

MARIBETH. Let’s not talk about it. Let’s find our car.

JASON. No, wait, honey. What do you mean?

MARIBETH. Is there a V-3? Cause if there is a V-3, I think our car is parked in V-3.

JASON. Do you…not like my Grandma?

MARIBETH. Jason, that’s not it.

JASON. No, Maribeth, this is a big problem because my Grandma is very, very important to me. And she likes you. She loves you. She’s ready to take you into her family. I can tell. So if you have a problem with Grandma…

MARIBETH. I don’t, Jason, I love your Grandma. Let’s forget it, okay? It’s nothing.

JASON. I’m not leaving until we talk about this. Whatever it is. No matter what it is, we need to talk about this. If we’re gonna get married, we need to talk about everything. So why are you avoiding the subject of my Grandma? Whom I love very much.

MARIBETH. Because, Jason…I have reason to believe…that you want to have sex with…I don’t know…maybe your Grandma. Or someone else’s grandma. I mean, a grandma…I’m not sure. I’m confused.

JASON. Yeah, me too. What the hell are you talking about?

MARIBETH. Grandma fuckin’.

JASON. I’m sorry?

MARIBETH. This morning, on the plane flying down here, I saw it, Jason. Grandma fuckin’. Grandmafuckin.com.

JASON. A website?

MARIBETH. I wasn’t going through your files or anything. I was just using your computer. And I was typing in an address that started with “g, r…” and you know how it gives you a list of options of previously visited websites?

JASON. Okay. Look. First of all…all right. Yes. There was that web address in my computer.

MARIBETH. I knew it was all too perfect. I knew you had to have some weird fetish or something. Something I could never fulfill. At least not until I’m sixty-five. You couldn’t wanna watch a girl pee, huh? It has to be grandma fuckin’?

JASON. It’s not like that, Maribeth. Let me explain. I’m not a grandma fucker. Nor do I ever want to be. I mean, until I’m old too, I guess. Even then I’ll still probably want to fuck a twenty-one year old…

MARIBETH. Are you explaining something right now?

JASON. Yes, okay. I went to that website. I admit that.

MARIBETH. Great. Jason, I try, you know? I try to provide you with whatever you need sexually. Because I read Dan Savage in the Village Voice and I know that if I don’t satisfy all your fetishes and things, then you’ll find someone else who will. But Jason, I’m only twenty-five. What can I do? Put on a white curly wig and old age makeup?

JASON. I don’t want you to be a grandma, honey. Look, I was looking at internet porn. Which is perfectly normal. And I was looking at, you know, older women, MILF’s, Mrs. Robinson’s.

MARIBETH. Mrs. Robinson was in her forties. Your Grandma is eighty-five.

JASON. It’s not about my…ugh. Really, Maribeth, don’t mention my particular grandma right now, okay?

MARIBETH. So it’s just other peoples’ grandma. Like the ones on grandmafuckin.com. They’re fair game. Jason, I’m willing to be sexually adventurous but a threesome with Bea Arthur is out of the question.

JASON. I was looking at middle-aged women. Still under fifty, okay? It was a perfectly normal fantasy of the next door neighbor, or my Mom’s friend, or the lady who cleans my teeth at the dentist. And I was going to different websites all linked up to each other. So I ended up on grandmafuckin.com but I was looking at it the same way you were looking at it. Like it was disgusting. I wasn’t getting off on it. I thought it was crazy. And funny. It was so sick it was funny. Honey, seriously, look at me. I’m not a grandma fucker.

MARIBETH. And your love for your Grandma is…

JASON. Strictly, like, a normal family love. It’s nothing weird, I promise.

MARIBETH. You promise?

JASON. Yes. Listen, baby, I know what this is. You’re just nervous about getting married. You’re scared that there’s something you don’t know about me and you’re gonna find out too late. But we’re gonna be fine, don’t worry. Okay?

MARIBETH. Okay.

JASON. Now let’s find our car. You said we parked it in V-3?

MARIBETH. Either V or T. Or D. I think.

JASON. We’ll find it. Let’s just walk around. We got all the time in the world.

MARIBETH. Jason, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion.

JASON. It’s all right. You know, it’s the internet, it’s a crazy place, dangerous and scary. But I’m not. You should just ask me straight up next time.

MARIBETH. I know. I’m sorry.

JASON. It’s cool. Wanna try V-3 first?

MARIBETH. Jason, wait. Just to avoid another conversation like this in the future, after I saw “grandma fuckin’” I decided to see if there was a…counterpart.

JASON. What are you saying?

MARIBETH. I went to grandpafuckin.com.

JASON. Really? And I assume it was disgusting and funny and sick and deplorable…and…right?

MARIBETH. Actually, I kinda liked it.

JASON. Well, good thing my Grandpa’s dead, huh?

MARIBETH. I’m serious, honey. I wanna fuck a very, very old man.

JASON. I think we should go look for the car. You’re a dirty grandpa fucker.

MARIBETH. I think I am. Jason, would you mind hunching over a little bit?

JASON. V-3, you said…

MARIBETH. Come on, humor me.

(THEY exit.)