Last Chance #7

© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell

Last Chance #7.

(AUDREY is counting on the fingers on both of her hands.)

TOM
You still do that. I love how you still do that.

AUDREY
I’m just counting up everything.

TOM
I know. I love that. The way you compartmentalize everything, you know? Just naturally, you hear information and it’s instantly turned into some kinda list or filing cabinet in your head. You’ve got tabs coming out of you ears.

AUDREY
I don’t know about that last one, but, yeah, that’s the way my brain works. I was just counting up and organizing all of the different times you’ve hurt me, cross referenced with all the different chances I’ve given you.

TOM
That is so cool. You know? My brain just doesn’t work that way. I receive information or something and it just sits there like a pile of dog crap.

AUDREY
I’d say that’s a fair assessment.

TOM
Look, Audrey, I’m sorry I’m an asshole. I’m sorry I hurt you.

AUDREY
Ugh! Don’t say that. I hate that phrase. That’s my number two most hated phrase in the English language.

TOM
But I am sorry I hurt you. I really am.

AUDREY
What does that even mean? It’s such an empty and general phrase. It relinquishes responsibility for some general negative action while not owning up to anything in particular. You didn’t step on my foot, you know.

TOM
I don’t what else to say, Audrey. I’m not the word…person around here. I just know that I feel like I’m a bad person. And I’m sorry.

AUDREY
But you don’t really know what you’re sorry for, Tom.

TOM
I do.

AUDREY
Then what? What are you sorry for?

TOM
All the stuff you’ve been saying. You know, about how I make you feel bad and how I’m an asshole.

AUDREY
That’s not enough, Tom. That’s not gonna work with me. I’m the smart one of your girlfriends, remember?

TOM
Hey, my other girlfriends are pretty smart.

AUDREY
Ugh! You don’t stop! You’re so stupid! You never think before you speak.

TOM
Oh come on. You see other guys. We don’t have some kind of exclusive exclusivity or something.

AUDREY
One guy. While we were broken up. The most recent time we were broken up, I mean. I dated one guy for two weeks. We went on four dates, two of which we hung out with three other mutual friends. I would categorize all four dates as a five on a one-to-ten scale. Which is only because the all included at least two glasses of wine.

TOM
Yeah, well, I’m more concerned with what you did at the end of the dates.

AUDREY
None of your business.

TOM
I want it to be my business.

AUDREY
Why?

TOM
Because I love you.

AUDREY
Ha! You only love yourself. And you only say you love me a hundred times a day because you think if you keep saying it, it gets you off the hook from all the other stupid things you say that hurt my feelings.

TOM
That’s not true, I do love you. And just like it tears you up to think of me with other women, it does the same thing to me when I think of you on your four dates with your one guy and at least two glasses of wine. I can’t help but wonder what you and this “guy” did at the end of the night. On a scale of one-to-ten then, we’ll do it your way.

AUDREY
You’re not honestly asking me this.

TOM
No, come on, you’re gonna talk about the other women in my life. I wanna talk about Mr. Hot Shot wine…drinker. On a scale of one-to-ten, ten being…you know…what’d you do?

AUDREY
(Pause.)
Six.

TOM
(Pause.)
You gave him a hand job?

AUDREY
This is not the point here, Tom. What’s been going on between you and me for the last year and a half only involves you and me.

TOM
I know, Audrey, and I fucked it up. A lot.

AUDREY
Stop, Tom. Stop saying those generic, defeated, self-effacing phrases that mean absolutely nothing.

TOM
Well, what am I supposed to say then? I don’t know how to put things like you. You write down what I should say and I’ll say it. And I bet it’ll be exactly the same thing I’m trying to say but just worded in a way that makes you happy.

AUDREY
All right, fine.

(SHE starts writing something down.)

TOM
The point is, I know what I did wrong. I know that I’m a bad person. I don’t know how to change. I wish I did.

AUDREY
Shhh…just stop trying. You’re just saying the same meaningless drivel over and over. Here, try this.

TOM
(Reading.)
It’s over between us. All right, first of all, that’s not really what I’m trying to say. You obviously haven’t been listening. And secondly, it’s never over between us, Audrey. Haven’t you realized that by now?

AUDREY
I can’t do it anymore, Tom. I’m a real big idiot, I admit. I keep letting you back in. I keep thinking, well, this is okay, we’re just hanging out as friends. And then it turns into, okay, we’re making out again. Nothing serious. I can handle this. And then as soon as I slip and give you more of myself, open up and become vulnerable just a little bit—you find a way to destroy it.

TOM
I understand that. I know that I do that. That’s what I’m saying. I’m not perfect. But then, after I do something to fuck things up just a little bit, what do you do? You run away. You cut me off. You don’t answer my phone calls and you give hand jobs after four dates to some other guy. And that sends me into a deep depression, causing me to hook up with other girls that I don’t love. And then I never change. And the pattern keeps repeating itself.

AUDREY
And now, the pattern stops. That’s what I’m saying. I’m done with the pattern. And I never confirmed that six meant a hand job.

TOM
What else could it mean? I figure any number above five involves some kinda genitalia. That’s a given. Otherwise the whole scale is thrown off. And seven through nine, that’s getting a little messy, I don’t even wanna talk about that. So if four and five is all…

(HE does some physical gesturing.)

…then six just naturally means, you know…

(HE does some more physical gesturing, indicating the use of genitalia.)

Unless he was the one “sixing” you. I didn’t even think about that. Is that it? Did he six you after four dates and two glasses of wine?

AUDREY
I am not answering that ridiculous question. We’re kidding ourselves, Tom. We’re never gonna get it right.

TOM
Not if we don’t try.

AUDREY
We have tried. Lots of times. I’ve exhausted every bit of tolerance I have. The scale of how much I care gets diminished on the graph directly proportional to every time you do something totally fucking stupid. And right now I care about a two.

TOM
(Pause.)
Outta five at least?

AUDREY
The standard ten.

TOM
I understand, Audrey. I can accept that I don’t deserve you. I know that. I’m not gonna try to get you back. I just want you to know that I’m sorry.

AUDREY
Okay.

TOM
And that I love you.

AUDREY
Sure.

TOM
I love you an eight, at least.

AUDREY
Only an eight?

TOM
Out of five, I mean.

AUDREY
Whatever, Tom, that doesn’t even make sense.

TOM
Love doesn’t make sense. Love is irrational and goes against any kind of logic, or numbers, or graph, or any other kind of homework you can give yourself. Love is not homework, Audrey. Remember that.

AUDREY
Love is not homework? That’s your new grand philosophy?

TOM
Yes. You can’t solve love. It’s not an equation. See—other people, your friends, my friends, they can look at it from the outside and say, “Oh, look, this thing doesn’t match up with this thing and he is doing this to her and she’s doing this to him and it’s causing them to both…do this.” And they’ll add up all the numbers on their little imaginary calculators and come up with a solution. Which is that these two people shouldn’t be together. But they’re using logic. Common sense. And you can’t solve love with that stuff. Because the forces at work are illogical. This. This connection right here. Between us. Can’t be broken down into a pie chart. You can’t count this. Or rank this. Love is not homework, Audrey.

AUDREY
That doesn’t change the fact that every time I let you in again, you say something or do something that makes me feel insecure or jealous or sad and none of this adds up to equal a relationship that I want to be in.

TOM
You’re counting again. Stop counting, Audrey.

AUDREY
I can’t help it. I’m a counter. I like homework.

TOM
I know. And I love that about you. I think it’s real cute. But you can’t count this. You can’t organize it. You have to just go with it. Let it take you somewhere you’re scared to go. I wish I wasn’t such an asshole. Honestly, I do. And I’m sorry I hurt you all the time. I just know that I love you.

AUDREY
I know you do, Tom, but it’s not enough.

TOM
But it’s all I have. You’re all I have. I love you, Audrey.

AUDREY
I know.

TOM
Why can’t you say it back to me?

AUDREY
Because it’s my most hated phrase in the English language.

TOM
Why?

AUDREY
Because every time you say it it stabs me in the heart and twists around then spikes come out of it and start stabbing every other organ in my body.

TOM
See—that’s love. Illogical. Sometimes painful. Love.

AUDREY
That’s not love, Tom. What we have is something, sure. It’s something intense and powerful. But it’s not something that gonna last. There’s no foundation here. There’s no complete and utter boredom. And boredom is what makes a relationship last.

TOM
I can do boredom. I want boredom.

AUDREY
Tom, you can’t even take a bath instead of a shower because you get bored after a minute.

TOM
But if you were there with me, I could take a bath. I could do all those regular people things. I could read a novel. I could go an entire night sober. If you were there with me.

AUDREY
Forget it, Tom. You’re not gonna talk your way back into this. You might not be a logical person but I am. Logic is all I have. I’ve given you a plethora of chances to prove that you can handle the most basic, rudimentary standard behavior patterns of a decent human being and you failed every time. There’s no way that I can justify giving you another chance.

TOM
Then what are you gonna do? Just not talk to me? Cut me off?

AUDREY
I don’t see any other option.

TOM
You know I’ll keep calling you.

AUDREY
I know.

TOM
Everyday.

AUDREY
I know, Tom.

TOM
And I’ll text you at least twice a day.

AUDREY
I know you will. I’m prepared to ignore all of them.

TOM
I’ll email you.

AUDREY
Deleted.

TOM
I’ll IM you when I see you online.

AUDREY
I’ll block you so you can’t see when I’m online.

TOM
That’ll drive me crazy.

AUDREY
You’re already crazy.

TOM
I’ll show up at your house.

AUDREY
I won’t come outside.

TOM
Eventually you’ll break down. You always do.

AUDREY
Not this time, Tom. This time I’m not gonna break down. I need some time and some space. I have to live my life. I have to rediscover who I am without you.

TOM
I’ll just want to be with you even more.

AUDREY
And why is that, Tom?

TOM
Cause I love you?

AUDREY
No, because you only want me when you can’t have me. Because you’re only ever thinking about yourself. So when you can’t have me, it’s something you have to get, something you have to work for. And then when I finally do “break down” what happens? You do something to fuck it up. Why?

TOM
Cause I’m a bad person?

AUDREY
No, Tom, because you’re chasing me away, you push me away once you have me because you’re too childish and insecure to handle a real relationship with me. And then I end up the same every time, a broken, beaten down little girl who can’t live her life because she’s in love with a complete asshole.

TOM
You’re in love with me?

AUDREY
Is that the only thing you just heard? Yeah, sure, I’m in love with you. Does it matter? No. Because I’m not giving you another chance. That’s it. The last time I gave you a last chance it was truly the last chance. And it was number six.

TOM
Six?

AUDREY
It was the sixth last chance I had given you. This would make seven. And I have to draw the line somewhere. Seven is way too many last chances. So it is truly over, Tom. And yes, I am in love with you. Why else would I have given you so many chances?

TOM
So you’re just gonna tell me you’re in love with me and then throw me aside?

AUDREY
Do you need me to sum it up for you? I can, you know. It’s all in a file up here. I’ve given you six chances and you’ve hurt me seven times so that means there’s a one point advantage to breaking it off completely. During our last break from each other I went out with one guy four times. Each date was ranked a five on a scale from one-to-ten. Which means that the quality of the dates outranked the number of the dates by one point. Which now makes it a two point advantage. And I’m not factoring in the fact that he “sixed” me at the end of the night. And yes, he “sixed” me. I said earlier that I cared about our relationship about a two and you said you loved me about an eight. Out of a possible five. And even though that doesn’t make sense, the difference is still five points, which makes it seven to nothing, in favor of this being over. And since the number of reasons to not speak to you is seven and the number of chances I’ve already given you is six, the only possible conclusion is that last chance number seven cannot exist.

TOM
(Pause.)
Wait, but it can.

AUDREY
I’m sorry, but it can’t.

TOM
It has to, in fact. Your calculations might be correct, but your conclusion is completely wrong.

AUDREY
Oh please. You have a more logical conclusion?

TOM
Yes. You’ve given me six chances and the reasons to break it off completely are at a seven. Which means that one more chance would simply even out the score. Which would put everything at a neutral state. Which is the ideal. If you were to give me another chance that would give the advantage to the chances and not the reasons then yes, it should be over, but that’s not the case. A seventh chance is not only called for in this situation, it’s absolutely necessary.

AUDREY
Wait… Seven reasons to end the relationship versus six chances I’ve given you already…

TOM
So there’s one more to go. I have one more chance, Audrey. To make it an even seven to seven. Which is synonymous with zero to zero, which is nothing. Which is a blank slate.

AUDREY
Wait, let me go over the numbers again…

TOM
No, your calculations were right on the money, Audrey. But I get one more last chance. Logically. Mathematically.

AUDREY
You expect me to give you a seventh last chance just so that everything would work out evenly?

TOM
Yeah. Wow. That’s so cool, I didn’t know my brain could work that way. See, baby. You make me a better person.

AUDREY
I can’t believe this.

TOM
Audrey.

AUDREY
What?

TOM
I’m sorry I hurt you. And I love you.

AUDREY
This is not the way this was supposed to go. It was supposed to be over between us this time.

(HE kisses her.)

TOM
It’s never over between us. Come on, let’s go take a bath.

(HE kisses her again.)

Blackout.