The Andrew Situation

© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell

The Andrew Situation.

(DANA and DALLAS are in a coffee shop.)

DANA
We should talk about it. You know? We’re girls, right?

DALLAS
Yeah, sure. We’re girls.

DANA
That’s what girls do, isn’t it? Talk about everything? I mean, we’re not guys. We don’t just let things simmer so that we don’t know what we’re thinking. Right?

DALLAS
Absolutely.

DANA
So we should talk this out. Because we’re “friends.”

DALLAS
Why the quotes?

DANA
I didn’t do any quotes. You mean this…?

(SHE indicates quotation marks with her fingers.)

I didn’t do that.

DALLAS
You did, vocally. You said, “friends,” as if it weren’t true. Implying that we weren’t actually friends, but rather “friends.”

DANA
Well, okay, maybe there were some implied vocal quotes. But it’s nothing personal, Dallas.

DALLAS
How can it not be personal? We’re talking about the friendship of you and me.

DANA
Right. But the implied vocal quotes were not directed at you particularly. I just put the verbal quotes there because we’re girls.

DALLAS
And what—girls can’t be friends with each other? They have to be “friends?”

DANA
In a way, yeah. Girls aren’t really friends with each other. I’ve never actually been friends with a girl. Not real friends anyway.

DALLAS
You’re telling me that we weren’t friends? Me and you? Before all this happened, I mean?

DANA
We hung out. We went to bars together, but we always kept each other an arm’s length away. We were never gonna be friends—friends. Even from the beginning. I mean, your name is Dallas, for God’s sake.

DALLAS
What does that—you were never gonna be friends with me because my name is Dallas?

DANA
Exactly. I mean, it sounds like a stripper’s name.

DALLAS
Dana, that’s my name. I can’t help that.

DANA
I know, and that’s my point. Isn’t that fucked up? You can’t help that. But when we first met, I judged you instantly because your name is Dallas. Like a stripper, I thought. And so we were never gonna be really close friends. That’s the way girls think. So you see my point?

DALLAS
I guess. You’re not friends with girls because of silly little things like their names.

DANA
Girls aren’t friends with girls. That’s my point. If you see two girls hanging out all the time, they’re just pretending to be close friends until one of them gets a boyfriend.

DALLAS
Dana, that is the most misogynistic thing I’ve ever heard another woman say.

DANA
It’s the truth.

DALLAS
I think you’re just saying that to escape blame for what you did.

DANA
I admit what I did was wrong. That’s not in question here. But to what extent was it wrong? Did I actually do something directly to you, or was I just doing what is natural for me to do?

DALLAS
You slept with my boyfriend.

DANA
All right. So now we’re opening up that part of the discussion.

DALLAS
You do want to talk about this, right?

DANA
Of course. That’s why we’re here, right? I’m certainly not here for the espresso drinks. We’re girls. Girls talk it out.

DALLAS
Okay, then I think that’s a good place to start.

DANA
What is?

DALLAS
The whole…Andrew situation.

DANA
Absolutely. I want to talk about the Andrew situation. And I’m glad you used that term, because it is, in fact, a situation. What happened, situationally, I think, is essentially, a question of timing. Am I right?

DALLAS
Timing was a part of it, yeah. But it’s not only a case of when you did what you did but what you actually did. You slept with Andrew.

DANA
And so the question becomes how does my sleeping with Andrew affect the “friendship” of you and me? What level friends were we before as opposed to what level we are now.

DALLAS
We were friends. That’s the point.

DANA
Okay. I can go with that. We were girl-friends, sure. And I slept with your boy-friend. And so I take the blame for that. But am I to take the blame for the entire Andrew situation? Or am I just a small part of it?

DALLAS
I mean, of course, Andrew’s to blame as well.

DANA
More, even. Andrew’s to blame more. He was the one going out with you. I was single. He’s a total dickhead. But even more than that, honestly, he wasn’t a very good boyfriend. And I always thought that. He didn’t respect you or your relationship. And that’s even more the point. Because when Andrew and I…came together, you two were, if I’m not mistaken, about to break up.

DALLAS
So you think that makes it okay?

DANA
I think it makes it okay-er. Is what I’m saying. Okay-er. What Andrew and I did is separate from anything to do with you and Andrew or, in fact, you and me, and our girl-“friend” ship.

DALLAS
Yes, Andrew and I were having our problems. We were trying, though, to work them out. But that all went to shit when you two had sex. So of course, then, we broke up.

DANA
So, then, maybe it wasn’t so bad. If it took a situation like me and Andrew to bring things to a necessary close, maybe it happened for a good reason. To bring his douchebagness out in the open.

DALLAS
Dana, that’s no justification for sleeping with someone’s boyfriend.

DANA
I’m sorry, Dallas. I’m sorry I slept with your “boyfriend.” Does that help?

DALLAS
Well, now you just put the verbal quotes around “boyfriend.”

DANA
You are just paranoid about this whole quote thing, Dallas.

DALLAS
Because you’re qualifying everything you’re saying and not taking full responsibility for what you did.

DANA
I don’t know how else to say it. You want me to keep apologizing? I will. I’m sorry I slept with Andrew. And we can talk about that whole thing for as long as you want. Or, a better option might be, we can discuss what’s happening now, in the present time. Because we can’t go back in time. I can’t unfuck Andrew. But we can deal with today.

DALLAS
You mean whether or not you and I can still be friends.

DANA
And I think it’s only fair that you make that decision.

DALLAS
Right now? You want me to decide if you and I are going to be friends? After the Andrew situation?

DANA
I think it’s your right.

DALLAS
But Dana, we haven’t really discussed anything yet. We’ve just talked around it.

DANA
You’re absolutely right. And I want to discuss everything. Because that’s what girls do. So let’s take a step back and see what we’ve got so far. I slept with Andrew and I’m sorry that happened. Andrew is a total asshole who cheated on you at the very end of an already bad relationship. Now he has to deal with his own guilt on top of the fact that he’s a douchebag. And you and I have to figure out whether or not we’re gonna keep being…
(Carefully.)
…friends, with or without the verbal quotation marks.

DALLAS
Honestly, Dana, I think we can at least be civil to each other, and that’s a good start. We’re grown women, we have a lot of the same friends, so at the very least, if we happen to be at the same birthday party or something, it should be fine.

DANA
Yes, I agree. And that’s very big of you to be able to handle being out in public with me and Andrew.

DALLAS
If, Andrew happens to be there as well, you mean…

DANA
Which he very well might be. Because…

DALLAS
Because…

DANA
Well, because of me…

DALLAS
Okay. So you’re saying that you and Andrew…

DANA
Right.

DALLAS
You two…still…

DANA
Yes. That’s what I’m saying.

DALLAS
Even though you just said he was a total asshole and a douchebag.

DANA
Well, he is.

DALLAS
And yet you’re telling me…

DANA
What’s a girl to do?

DALLAS
Interesting.

DANA
To say the least.

DALLAS
Which is the real reason you wanted to meet up for coffee and “talk it out.” Because you are currently, still, sleeping with Andrew.

DANA
We’re hanging out. I don’t wanna cheapen it with sleeping…never mind. The point is, yes. We have an Andrew situation. Currently.

DALLAS
We do indeed. And so you just want to make sure that in the future, when we all happen to be at the same birthday party or whatever, that I don’t freak out and cause a scene.

DANA
I wanted to be the one to tell you. I wanted to talk about it. And I wanted you to know that even though Andrew and I initially slept together at perhaps the wrong time, it wasn’t just a meaningless one-night thing. That I wouldn’t put whatever friendship you and I had in jeopardy unless I really liked the guy and he really liked me. And I want you to know that.

DALLAS
Dana, that doesn’t really help. At all.

DANA
It doesn’t?

DALLAS
No.

DANA
Shit.

DALLAS
The pain I felt because of what happened was intense. But if I keep having to see it right in front of my face, obviously that’s gonna be even worse.

(DANA’S phone starts vibrating in her pocket.)

DANA
Hold that thought, I’m vibrating.

DALLAS
What?

(DANA looks at her phone, looks at DALLAS, denies the phone call, puts the phone back in her pocket.)

DANA
So we’re going to be civil to each other, is that what we’ve decided?

DALLAS
Honestly, Dana, I don’t know if I can handle it. I wanted to keep being friends with you because you’re fun to be around and we have a good time together. And the fact that you slept with my boyfriend while he was still my boyfriend might have put a barrier between us, but I thought maybe we could get through it. But now, with the new information that you are still sleeping with Andrew even though you acknowledge he’s a douchebag, I think maybe it’s best if we don’t have anything to do with each other.

DANA
Okay, Dallas. But just know that that’s your decision. That’s not the way I want it. I want to keep being friends.

DALLAS
Even though, according to you, we weren’t really friends before because we’re girls and girls can only be “friends.” Especially when one of them has a name that sounds like a stripper.

DANA
Exactly. I’m sorry, but it’s just the way I am. I don’t believe girls can be friends with no quotations. So the Andrew situation happened. And yet, I think we can maintain a “friendship.” But if you choose not to, that’s your decision. If you choose to run to all of our mutual friends and tell them what a bitch I am for “stealing your man,” then fine. I will play the role of the bitch in this situation.

DALLAS
So that’s really what this is about. How you look in this situation. How it makes you look to be out with Andrew. And you figure if I’m cool with it and stay “friends” with you, then no one else can really blame you for anything either. You’re using me and you’re using my weaknesses to try to manipulate the situation so that you don’t look bad while you’re fucking my ex-boyfriend. But the thing is, Dana, I’m not a guy. I don’t think like a guy so I’m not gonna fall into your little trap. I’m not stupid, like a guy, but since you think I am, I’m gonna respond like a guy. And so I’m finished talking it out. And I’m not giving you an answer. I’m gonna let it simmer so that you don’t know what I’m thinking. I could be telling everyone we know about this whole situation and how you tried to play me like a chump. I might ignore you at the next birthday party we both attend or I might say hi. So after all this, are we still friends? I don’t know. Whatever. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I’m finished with my coffee so I’m gonna leave. Why don’t you call Andrew back and deal with the fact that you’re both fucking assholes?

(DALLAS exits. After a moment, DANA pulls out her phone and makes a phone call.)

DANA
Hey baby. Yeah, I don’t know…it could have gone better.

(Blackout.)