Restaurant Drama

© 01-12-2006 by Michael J. Ferrell

Restaurant Drama

(ANNIE, dressed in a waitress uniform, walks quickly across the stage. SETH, in a waiter outfit, perhaps that of a pirate, walks timidly onstage and stands in the middle. ANNIE walks back through, this time with a drink in her hand, quickly to the other side.)

SETH
Hi, how are you?

(ANNIE holds her hand up and continues walking. JACK and MEGAN walk through, MEGAN is dressed in nice civilian clothes, JACK has on a waiter uniform, perhaps that of a pirate.)

JACK
All right, just give it to me straight, what are we looking at here?

(MEGAN has a couple folders and notepads in her hand.)

MEGAN
It’s not good, Jack. I have to be honest.

(JACK stops her in the middle of the stage.)

JACK
Dammit, Megan, it’s not always gonna be sunshine and roses. Not in this business. Listen to me. This is the life we chose.

MEGAN
Yes, Jack, I know as well as you do. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’ve got a ten-top at noon, a reservation for five at 12:30 and a party in the private room at 1:00.

(JACK turns away.)

JACK
Fuck me. Okay. Calm down, Jack. This is why you trained for so long. This is where your experience comes in to play. All right…the party in the private room, is it possible to do a prix fixe?

MEGAN
I believe in you, Jack. If you say it’s possible then it’s possible.

(JACK turns to SETH.)

JACK
Who are you? What are you all about?

SETH
I’m Seth. I’m here for my first day of training.

(JACK gets intimidatingly close to SETH.)

JACK
All right, kid. Listen to me and listen good. You better know what you’re doing. Cause out there on the floor, it’s not a game. This is no lunch counter. We’re serving food and drinks to people, all right? That’s what we do here.

SETH
Right, right. I mean, I’ve waited tables before, I know how to, but you know, first day at a new place, there’s a new computer…

JACK
Don’t you worry about the computer just yet, bucko. You’re getting a little ahead of yourself, okay, chief? You heard the kind of shit we have to deal with today. I’m afraid I can’t hold your hand through the fire. You’re just gonna have to burn.

SETH
Okay, I can burn. But the, uh, manager, Bill, he told me to come in today because it’s a Monday lunch and it wouldn’t be that busy…

JACK
Ha ha ha. Bill. What does Bill know? Is Bill here on the frontlines? No…Bill’s upstairs in a cozy office. He wouldn’t know what to do if some lady looked up at him and said, “I think my burger’s a little undercooked.” Ha. Probably shit his pants. All right, we’re gonna train you, Seth. But I don’t promise anything. Megan.

MEGAN
Sir.

JACK
Take this outta my hands. I need my hands free for Diet Pepsis and condiments. Are the runners here?

MEGAN
Check.

JACK
Bussers.

MEGAN
Raul’s here but not Mohammed.

JACK
Mohammed, you bastard. Let’s just hope, for his sake, that he gets here and starts clearing plates from tables when people are finished eating their salads or burgers.

MEGAN
I’m sure he’ll be here, Jack. Why don’t we just have pre-service meeting?

JACK
Seth, what do you know about coffee?

SETH
Oh, um, well, I’ve made it…a lot, but every restaurant has a different coffee maker, so…

JACK
You’re damn right. Seth, I don’t know how quick you are to pick up on things, but I’m head waiter around here. Am I the boss? Not exactly. But someone’s gotta take charge. What are you gonna do if someone orders a grilled cheese? Huh?

SETH
Well, I guess, maybe I’d ask what kind of bread they’d like it on.

JACK
You’re good. All right, fine. I’ll take you under my wing. I’ll teach you everything I know about serving people food and drinks. You stick with me, kid. And one day you’ll be a waiter.

SETH
I’m…already a waiter.

JACK
Oh really? You think so?

(ANNIE enters, tears off her apron and throws it on the ground.)

ANNIE
This is no kind of life!

MEGAN
Annie, what’s wrong?

ANNIE
You wouldn’t understand, Megan. You’re just a hostess. What do you do? You seat people.

MEGAN
(Hurt.)
I also take delivery orders.

JACK
Listen…Shhh. What’s that?

SETH
It sounds like a phone ringing.

ANNIE
Shithole! Not now! Who’s gonna answer it?

MEGAN
I’ll get it. It’s my job, you bitch.

(MEGAN exits.)

JACK
Dammit, Annie. There was no reason to take it out on Megan. One day she might just be a waitress and you might be out there on the floor with her. And what if you need someone to look over your section while you pee-pee or poo-poo? Seth, never burn a bridge in this business. Remember that.

SETH
Okay, sure.

JACK
All right, now, Annie. What happened out there?

ANNIE
This guy wants an Iced Tea…

JACK
Seems simple enough…

ANNIE
That’s not all. He wants a lime instead of a lemon.

SETH
Gross.

JACK
That’s not our call to make, Seth. You’re ambitious, I like that. But for now, button it up.

SETH
All right.

JACK
Dammit! A lime, okay, a lime, okay…

ANNIE
Normally, I would just fill the glass with Iced Tea and then instead of putting a lemon on the rim of the glass I’d put a lime…

JACK
Yes! Why aren’t we doing that? That’s brilliant.

ANNIE
Only one problem.

JACK
What’s that?

ANNIE
We don’t have any limes. At least none cut up yet.

JACK
Just another one of your cruel jokes, isn’t it, God? Well it’s a good thing you built me tough. All right, Seth, don’t panic.

SETH
I’m cool, actually.

JACK
I know it’s your first day and everything. If you want to pack it up and go home, I’ll understand.

SETH
Nah…I think I’ll stick it out.

JACK
I knew there was a reason Bill hired you. Okay! Who usually cuts the limes?

ANNIE
Mohammed, I think.

JACK
Well, let’s just ask Mohammed…wait.

SETH
Mohammed’s not here yet.

ANNIE
How do you know that? How does he know that?

SETH
I couldn’t help but overhear. Mohammed’s running a little late.

JACK
Everybody just calm down! We’re gonna get through this. Annie, I’m in love with you.

ANNIE
What?

JACK
I love you. I mean, I’m in love with you.

ANNIE
Jack, what are you saying?

JACK
It’s true. I’ve been in love with you ever since that first time we got drunk after work and made out in the employee bathroom.

ANNIE
Really?

JACK
And then that other time when I randomly saw you at that bar and you took your shirt off and danced on top of the table and then I took you home and we tried to have sex but you were too drunk and I couldn’t get that condom on in time to stay hard…I’ve loved you, Annie…ever since your first day of training.

ANNIE
I didn’t even think you remembered that.

JACK
Your first day of training?

ANNIE
Yeah.

JACK
It was only a month ago.

ANNIE
I know but you’re always so wrapped up in this, your passion, waiting tables…

JACK
I know I can get crazy sometimes, but through it all, Annie, I’d like to make out with you again sometime. I mean that. Preferably while we’re both wasted.

ANNIE
Jack, Jack! The limes! The guy at table ten is waiting!

JACK
Shit, you’re right. I told myself I’d never let my personal life get in the way of my professional life and now look at me.

SETH
Can’t someone else just cut up a lime?

JACK
With what knife?

SETH
I’m sure there’s a knife we could use somewhere.

JACK
And who’s gonna cut this so-called lime? You, Seth?

SETH
Well, I don’t…

JACK
Lord knows I’m not throwing myself into that pit of fire. And Annie here’s not gonna do it, I won’t let her.

ANNIE
I love you too, Jack.

JACK
Save it for after work. I’m sorry, honey, but I was put on this earth for a reason. I’m married to my job. You knew that from the beginning. Ever since you accidentally rubbed against me at the coffee station and I got a boner, you’ve known what I’m all about.

(MEGAN enters.)

MEGAN
Bad news. Mohammed’s not gonna be here for another five minutes or so. He just got off the train.

JACK
Just wait till that cocky son of a bitch busboy gets here.

ANNIE
What are you gonna do, honey?

JACK
I’m gonna go have a cigarette. You guys watch my section?

ANNIE
What about the limes, Jack! I need you now.

SETH
I can…uh, cut up some limes if you want.

JACK
(Laughing.)
Oh…yeah…can you?

SETH
Yeah. I can.

ANNIE
What makes you think that, new guy?

SETH
At my old restaurant, I used to have to cut limes. So it’s fresh in my mind, you know. I guess you guys don’t have to cut limes here, huh?

JACK
The busboys usually cut the limes. And the lemons.

SETH
Yeah, well, listen, I know this is my first day and all, but maybe if you get me a knife and a lime, maybe a cutting board…you know…

JACK
You heard the man, girls. Get him what he needs, stat.

(The girls run off and come back with a knife, a cutting board, and a lime.)

You better know what you’re doing, Seth. This isn’t college, you know?

SETH
I studied acting in college.

JACK
We all did, that’s my point.

(MEGAN and ANNIE return with the equipment.)

MEGAN
Here you go, new guy. I swear to God if you do this right, I’ll get drunk and make out with you after I get cut.

SETH
Sounds great, yeah. I just need a little room to operate.

JACK
The man needs room.

(THEY all hover around SETH as HE cuts the lime, not necessarily giving him room. SETH produces a small lime wedge.)

SETH
Here. This ought to do the trick.

(MEGAN hugs SETH.)

MEGAN
That was so hot.

ANNIE
Thanks, new guy. I think you’re gonna work out just fine.

(SHE runs off with the lime wedge. MEGAN kisses him passionately.)

MEGAN
I love you, Seth.

SETH
Oh thanks.

MEGAN
I gotta go seat people and take their coats.

SETH
Okay.

JACK
Well, I’m not gonna join the Seth Love Fest here. You can cut a lime, that’s good. But the real test is when you have a section of tables full of people who want to eat food and drink drinks and you have to take their orders, put them in the computer, bring them ketchup if necessary, and then give them their check.

SETH
I’ll give it a shot.

JACK
You got something in your eye, kid.

SETH
What is it?

JACK
A sparkle. Here.

(JACK gives him an apron.)

SETH
An apron?

JACK
It’s yours.

SETH
You just had this?

JACK
I always have a spare.

(JACK reaches out his hand. SETH timidly and awkwardly takes it but doesn't know what to do next. JACK tries to kiss SETH'S hand, but SETH recoils and denies him. THEY have a very awkward moment that lasts throughout a slow fade out.)